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Found
They wrapped the child in plastic and left him by the door.
Blue lips. black fingertips. creeping through the cover.
And the air was still. stale, even. heavy with the sound of hidden gasps and silent prayers from men who wouldn't have believed a god would meddle in this century if it hadn't been for his eyes.
Milky. wide.
Drawn over three times in loving marker. pupils. iris. lashes.
A maudlin depth for the nameless. unwanted, unintended, unfamiliar dead left for the company of the curious to come and see.
To remember.
To bury, unmarked, in a lonely grave where his father could come every new year's to lay stolen daisies and weep for all that he could have done had this not been the only way.
Or so he would convince the sinking lines of his face. so he would tell her to this day as if she were there to hold his hand and agree that what they did was right, somehow, in the grand scheme of things.
But we burned the remains.
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Comment by: Apollo Online- 2008-01-02 18:53
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| I like how you use distinct imagery to evoke emotion... "Drawn over three times in loving marker. pupils. iris. lashes." - I think the choppy nature of it exhibits the stiff breaks that exist in feelings, moving from one to the next quickly and without choice... |
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Comment by: - 2007-12-13 19:06
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Emotion was certainly painted well. The sadness and futility welled as I read. Good piece, God awful topic...but real.
Blessings. |
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| In some ways, the changing of the use of the English language is another way to express yourself - I think the lack of capital letters sort of adds to the dreariness of it all, and the fragments are there just to make the story low and swift, almost like painting it all the shades of gray and deep blue. |
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"weep for all that he could have done had this not been the only way." Check this line for fragments. Its very puzzled.
Overall, it is very dark and shivering like type of poem, but still you could have brought more imagery to it.
Great use of vocbulary! |
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Comment by: kidicpo - 2007-11-02 21:45
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| It flows well. It's fluid all the way through. No unnecessary words. |
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