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The Limits of Love
“Do you love me?” he asks.
“You know I do. I always have,” I answer, Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s poem running through my head – “Let me count the ways.”
Strange, but I still see him as he was in our University days, the rebel looking for another cause, for another reason to cock a snoot at the establishment, the powers that be. There’s something in those twinkling blue eyes that says he’s still that stirrer.
Perhaps only I see that twinkle any more, and maybe that startling blue has faded over the years.
I know he’s smiling now, even as the machines exchange their bleeps for a monotone buzz, he’s giving a last smile.
The code red team come rushing in, and I hold up a small piece of paper – DNR! it tells them.
I look down at the unplugged wire in my other hand.
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Comment by: ZigZag - 2008-06-22 21:20
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| I like how you manage to allow the reader to imagine a lifetime of love for the two characters right before you deliver that heartwrencher. And it still ends kinda happy. Brilliantly executed. |
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| it has such a sweet, nostalgic tone that makes the twist at the end all the more bitter. Well done! (im not going to critique grammar because frankly im horrible with it, and in fact did not notice anything really wrong.) |
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“Do you love me?” he asks.
“You know I do. I always have,” (I answer),
//those tags arent for me..
Strange, but I still see him as he was in our University days, the rebel looking for another cause, for another reason to cock a snoot at the establishment, the powers that be.
//this story is mostly tell v show, its not working for me.
the guys standing right there, it could be expressed as action happening.
There’s something in those twinkling blue eyes that says he’s still that stirrer.
//there really is a lack of verbs in here. not just there, but reading it again, it just lacks vivid verbs.
I know he’s smiling now, even as the machines exchange their bleeps for a monotone buzz, he’s giving a last smile.
//really odd way to express it, to me, with the guy right there.
its a weak sentence all around.
The code red team come rushing in, and I hold up a small piece of paper – DNR! it tells them.
//this one needs some work. why not express it in real time action with subject verb construction? why is it all just talking?
ok.. lets just say this one wasnt for me..
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Meleina is right - that last sentence didn't really add to the story, so, I've taken it out. So, thank you to those who thought "this" compared to "that".
Thought about the "team come"/"team comes" bit. Techincally, it should be singular, but in this instance, it feels more correct to treat the word as plural - sometimes, technically right is emotionally wrong.
any more vs now: Ummm. still feel that "any more" is more evocative of what "I" perceives as a continuation of past history, where as now would be more immediate. Also, this piece is in the present tense, so "now" would be the present and only "I" can see that it should be there. On top of which, I use "now" in the next paragraph, which is directly in the present of the story. Thanks for making me think about why I used one rather than the other.
About man/man vs man/woman: the intent was to be as universal as possible, leaving it up to the reader to decide whether the "I" was male or female. Either way, the relationship is about the love the two people have for each other, a choice, and a resolution to the dilemma - it makes no difference to the story. Actually, I'd have preferred to allow for the woman/woman relationship as well, to make it more universal, but I only allowed myself 15 minutes for writing, editing and posting.
Thanks, to all who commented - I really do appreciate the time and effort. |
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Comment by: waxseal - 2007-11-09 10:48
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| Hello there - I actually read this as two men, rather than a woman and a man I kind of liked it that way - had something extra to it. I think it was well done = but I HATE the last line... Too cliche' for me - the sentiment is already implied - don't need to force it through. Well done on the rest though. |
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