Yes, another blog about my life, but hey, that's what these are about, huh? Today's blog is about something very special and close to my heart. OK, I admit all of my blogs are, but this is something that I never thought I would be able to blog about. Today marks 1,000 days without a drink. Yes, it's come, and I admit I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be sitting here right now, sober and happy about it.

For so long, alcohol ruled my life and was my comfort through my depression, divorce, suicide attempts and cutting ( I haven't done that in a year either) and inevitble nervous breakdown. Yet, it was more than my confort or main vice, it was my one source of coping with the hand I was dealt. I knew no other way and relied on the one thing I always vowed I never would.

You see, I watched my Grandfather, God rest his soul, battle alcoholism for most of my childhood. Yes, he found sobriety when I was in my teens, but it came with a price. He had lost all his short-term memory, suffered seizures and never really got over his urge to drink. His poison was wine...and I followed in his footsteps.

Like my Grandfather, I found sobriety also. Luckily, at a young age. I took my last drink on January 24th, 2005, 2 minutes before midnight, and allowed the sweet ambrosia to claim me into nothingness. It was my very last drink. I had tried several times to get sober, but this time was my last. The very next day, my Mom (who is the greatest Mom ever), took me to my very first A.A. meeting. I already knew what happened at A.A. meetings. When my Grandfather was in Rehab, it was required of the family to attend them and Al-Anon meetings as well. I thought I was going into a place I already knew, but I was soon to find out that I only knew a fraction of it.

My very first meeting, I sat down and listened, hoping I could glean just a minute amount of hope. I hadn't had a drink since the night before, and I was already shaking, sweaty and nauseated...wanting another drink. I kept eyeing the clock hoping the metting was almost over; however the minutes seemed to drag by endlessly. It wasn't that I didn't want to be there or was bored. No. I just wanted another drink. I prayed for God to let me just go on one more binge before I tried this again.

My salvation came in another form - something I wasn't expecting. The chair asked if there were any new members that wished to introduce themselves and looked pointedly at me. Now, for those of you that are aware of how an A.A. meeting works, no one tells you that you have to introduce yourself. It's if you want to. No one forces anyone to do or say anything. But this is a small town, so the regulars and old timers know each other so well, that a new person in the mix will definitely be noticed.

I felt as if I were standing in the very center of a football feild, and everyone was looking at me. However, it wasn't in a bad way. These people were smiling at me - smiles of encouragement, welcome...and understanding. Before I realized what I was doing, I heard myself softly say the words I hoped I would never say, but felt better saying them, "Hi. My name is Monica and I'm an alcoholic."

The next 20 minutes flew by as I told my story. I told them how I had my first drink when I was 12. How I used to sneak my Daddy's liquor late at night and water the bottles down when I saw them getting low. How I had friends, even relatives of legal age, purchase my liquor for me every chance I got. How I drank myself into oblivion every night to escape my emotional pain. How I dwelled on what I had lost, instead of what I still had. It all came out. And the amazing thing was that all through my story, I kept my head down, never looking anyone in the eye, but I could feel their compassion around me with every word I spoke.

The most beautiful thing was, through my whole diatribe, I didn't want a drink. The sweating, shakes and nausea had left me, leaving me with a peace I hadn't felt in years. It was a great moment for me because I was so accustomed to wanting a drink no matter the time of day or night. Wine was what I drank as soon as I woke up, and it was the last thing I drank until I sank into oblivion at night.

From that first meeting, I knew I had found something wonderful. I accepted my Desire Chip happily and held onto it proudly at the end of that meeting. I've made new friends, learned that I don't have flaws, but have character defects. I've learned that I'm not worthless, I was just without hope. I learned that the reason my previous attempts at sobriety didn't work was because I was doing it with willpower alone. I needed my Serenity Prayer. I needed the 12 Steps. I needed to know the Promises. I needed my Big Book. I needed the desire to stop drinking. I needed the Fellowship. But most of all, I needed to admit I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanagable.

Alcoholism is not biased. No matter your race, creed, sex...it can get you. It's a disease. Not a problem, but a disease. Yes, there are medications out there that can keep you from not drinking by making you sick as soon as you imbibe alcohol, but is that how you want to spend the rest of your life? Dependant on medications to keep you away from the drink? I think not. Sobriety can be attained by hard work and dedication to yourself and your desire to stay sober.

I have that desire. I want to continue on this new path. Why? Because for the first time in my life, I'm happy, joyous and free. My family, fiance and friends have helped me stay sober. Not by telling everyone they know about my sobriety. After all, we are anonymous. No, they do it the best way they ever could - by supporting me 100%, loving me unconditionally and cheering me on as I go to sleep with another sober 24 under my belt.

Though I found sobriety at a young age (I was 24 at the time), like my Grandfather, my sobriety has come with a price. My short-term memory isn't as well as it should be. I forget easily, have horrible headaches from time to time, body aches like you wouldn't imagine, and of course the memories I once tried to drown in my bottles. But with each new ache and small memory lost, I cannot help but smile. Yes, it sounds strange, but each one of them remind me that though I suffer from these ailments, I'm still alive. I'm here another day, sober and loving my life.

I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I have the best parents a girl could ever wish for. My fiance is the absolute best man God ever created, and I love each of his relatives as if they were my own. I have the best friends (my adoptive family) that have stood by me and proven to me they're my true friends through thick and thin. I also have two beautiful Goddaughters that I cherish beyond words. I wouldn't trade any of you for anything.

Someone could offer me the world this moment, and I would decline because I don't want the world. I already have the whole universe right here in my heart because of each and every one of you that has loved me unconditionally. So, I'll end this blog with a light, yet full heart and huge smile on my face because it's a true smile now. I smile now, not fake smiles, but real smiles. I'm truly happy with my life. Joyous with my acheivement. And free because of my sobriety.

I regret nothing and look forward to everything. I love my journey. It's beautiful and can only get better. No one knows what tomorrow brings. No one knows if I'll ever take another drink again. But I do know that right now, this moment, the desire to drink is not with me. I'm more than thankful for that. I love you all. And thank you for sharing in this special day.

Take care and always remember to smile...muaaahz!!

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