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zantocon
Brian Mullins
United States, IL, Genoa

Words: 144
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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Stolen Memories

Golden, like the shade of her skin
That Autumn day when we first met
I was so nervous, where to begin
My mind vacant, my thoughts a silhouette

As around the door her eyes did peer
A vibrant blue surrounded by hair aflame
This moment in time my heart to revere
My pilgrimage never to be the same

A kiss, an epoch, an infinity, a tick, a tock
Words cannot express this span of rapture
As our hands explore in the after shock
Our breath seeking each other to capture

This room unable to contain our lust
As our ecstasy seeks our bodies to explode
Given to each other in wanton trust
As my quintessence of you overflowed

This moment captured for all time by a thief
In a glass coffin for all to observe
A golden, preserved Autumnal leaf
Our preoccupation to preserve

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Comments  
noneedtofocus Comment by: noneedtofocus - 2007-11-07 10:01
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I would say read this out loud and add the appropriate periods. I am not necessarily a fan of punctuation but with this kind of rhyme scheme it can be important. I could be wrong but these kinds of rhyme schemes are so obtrusive you need to let us know when to keep going. ex. line 13 needs a period. This problem can also be rid of by rethinking your "as" placements or your use of them at all. I think these two things will help you make each line and word count.
Syd7 Comment by: Syd7 - 2007-11-06 20:27
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Now this is one I could add to my favorites, great job!
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By zantocon

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