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aprilmayed
April Michelle Bratten
Online
United States, North Dakota, Minot

Words: 141
Access: Public
Comments: 5

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The Late Mourn

Names, like sugarcubes, were of little importance then,
melting in the sweet,
and flowing as a fountain from the corner of my mouth.

This was how, draining steadily, I came to water the blooms--
pop, popping in!
Bones, stem, and peeling skin.

A clay pot, I was, for her suffering,
holding, holding, her frightened ash.

O, if I was a stone, inanimate and obscene,
I stood so without a rage,
for I feared not the drifting turn of her hands,
plucking, petals, petals.

But her sobs,
they became the train that broke my silence,
her heart, her railroad, thrumming to the echo
of the late mourn coming to keep.

We brought her the garden, planted her deep inside,
and stood quietly while the hands bent beneath the soil.

She is the garden, checkered with lillies, light,
and this red, red, room.

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Comments  
denisedee Comment by: denisedee - 2007-11-21 13:02
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Man- you really have a flair for knock-out first stanzas- this one left me gape jawed. Honestly. And the ending is beautiful. For me stanzas 2,3, and 4 seem to go too much into my head and take me out of the emotion of the poem. Maybe that is your intent?
Realize when you write these killer openings that you are setting a high, high bar and it evokes (at least in this reader) a sense of 'what is she going to say next?'
aprilmayed Comment by: aprilmayed Online- 2007-11-12 18:45
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Thanks for pointing out the typo esknapp! I didn't even notice it.
esknapp Comment by: esknapp - 2007-11-12 15:52
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Some of this is very beautiful. I particularly like:

"But her sobs,
they became the train that broke my silence,
her heart, her railroad, thrumming to the echo
of the late mourn coming to keep."

I am having a little trouble understanding the 4th stanza: "If I was a stone...I stoodso without a rage..." doesn't read properly to me, though I like the overall sentiment of the stanza.
One tiny typo - L3 "fou(n)tain.
You have a bold style, and I enjoy it a great deal. Thank you for sharing.
Eric
hx Comment by: hx - 2007-11-11 13:13
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More brilliant language from you. This could have been a sort of poetic narrative, just a story, really (not that that's a bad thing) but it sparkles with your craftsmanship. That's an enviable example of how to take a (let's admit it) somewhat pre-used theme (which would have been very Poe-like if it were just a tad darker)...and build it anew through force of sheer good writing.

You've got chops. By all means, keep it up.
Stephie Comment by: Stephie Online- 2007-11-10 14:25
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Those last four lines are so sentimental and make me bleary-eyed, but for selfish reasons of course. I will always love the way you take tired old metaphors and turn them into something new and bold. You are such an inspiration to me always.
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By aprilmayed

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