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The Afghan: Wee Stories #18
He hated it: Its elegant head and knowing eyes. It waltzed around the place with its long, silky blond coat with a stride like a ballet dancer. It reminded him of his ex.
He stared at it as it loped into the kitchen to his new girlfriend, Tamsin. She had just put some calf's liver into its bowl, tapping the stainless steel to let it know dinner was served.
‘Beautiful Jennifer! You’re SO gorgeous, my beautiful hound!’ she cooed. She then popped her head around the kitchen door. ‘Won’t be a minute and we’re good to go’, she said to him. He gave her the thumbs up.
When she’d gone he raised his eyes to the ceiling; things couldn’t get any worse. Not only did it look like his ex-wife, it also shared her name!
He let the front-door shut with a soft click. Straightening his jacket and matching tie he walked briskly to his car. If Jennifer hadn’t had the accident the day the divorce was finalised, and died with fury still on her lips, he probably wouldn’t have felt the chill run up his spine. But as it was, nothing was worth the risk; not even sexy Tamsin.
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Comment by: Cherley - 2007-11-16 13:57
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| I smiled at the end of this. Just a bit too coincidental for him. I don't blame him, that would be a bit much. |
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| nice...and different..I am liking myou wee/short/flash stories...you have a way with words that draws the reader in.. |
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Funny and well-rendered. I loved the moment with the aggravated thumbs-up. NIce use of "loped" as well. It's a good word, isn't it?
Good write!
~J. |
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I loved the descriptions of the dog, here. I could just picture it. 'with a stride like a ballet dancer. It reminded him of his ex.' This works so well.
'Not only did it look like his ex-wife, it also had the same name as his ex-wife!' might read better as, 'Not only did it look like his ex-wife, it also shared her name.'
'calves liver' needs an apostrophe somewhere. Oh - you're British, too, so I'm safe to edit! I'd go for 'calf's liver'.
I don't have a problem with the last para - did you edit it before I got to it?
This is a great premise and a fun read. I particularly liked him giving her the thumbs up, when you know he's sitting there loathing the dog and her devotion to it. |
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Comment by: costa - 2007-11-14 23:49
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I'm just gonna jump in and try to be useful, after a long break.
hmmm - I sympathise with him.
(I'm glad he didn't try to strangle the dog - I can't abide by cruelty.)
ahem - the ending made sense on my first read through, but (IMHO) 'felt' (for want of a better word) a little disjointed from the rest of the story. A function of the format?
Maybe the 'accident' was too abrupt? I was just a little peturbed - was he in the car with her when she died - perhaps tHat would have softened his view of her. Just thinking out loud...
Liked it, I sympathise with the man, not wanting reminders of his past life.
Best wishes
Costa. |
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