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Listless and Then the Purple Cloud
I needed to sprawl under October sky
and ruminate on how you passed me by,
but a cloud rumbled past alone,
growling missives that quivered the brittle stone
and the leaves that crackled beneath me.
That arrogant wanderer was far from the hot sea
that raised it, bruised palettes over gray,
and raised the lonely wind which whipped it on it's way.
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I agree with esknapp...I don't like the second use of the word "raised"
Otherwise a good read. I love the title...that's what drew me in to read it in the first place. Now I can't wait to read more of your work. |
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Comment by: esknapp - 2007-11-09 10:15
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Kenneth,
I am glad you wrote this. It is a little different in form than what you often create, but perfect for the subject. I particularly like the cloud growling missives, and I appreciate the way you have made the character less alive then the elements enveloping him. The negatives are paltry, really, but I think could make a big difference. L1, is there aword you could use in place of "mainly?" L6, instead of "the hot", how about a 2-syllable one-word adjective? L8, don't like the second use of the word "raised". By the way, I really like the word ruminate. |
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