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Alien Challenge #4 ~ Acrostic Predator
Chaste, ethereal angel, yet
Another firefly against the
Perfect dark,
Transcend unto me,
Untainted,
Rapturous.
I shudder in anticipation of your touch,
Nubile,
Glorious.
Manifest as my balance,
Yin to my Yang
Dare I come upon you too soon my
Release will spoil the moment I
Entice you slowly, cautiously, to forever and
Always stay and quiet
My
Solitude.
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Comment by: alien - 2007-11-21 15:10
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I'm glad I didn't offend you, because I didn't mean to. I hope that you will go on to refine this. I have to admit, due to time constraints, I didn't have a go at this one myself, though I was dying to! I knew it would be too hard to just have a quick go at. And once you get into these, like crosswords, you just can't stop until it's finished.
I hate to make comparisions, but I was so impressed with one entry that I must tell you about it. Colin Dardis' entry was really a lesson to us all. When you read that and see how effortlessly he uses the letters of the phrase, you can see why I was so picky with the rest of the entries!
He taught me a thing or two with that one :D |
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Thank you, Alien (feeling very sheepish now because I whined).
Although, that was a really good comment.
I have to admit, this was more tricky than I originally thought...plus, I was trying to be extra clever. I think I just managed to step on my own coat-tails. But, I still love the style. I'm going to practice on it some more, because I think I can incorporate this method into my suspense novel. Thank you for introducing me to it.
Toni :D |
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Comment by: alien - 2007-11-21 13:26
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Sorry I missed this earlier - it was an oversight on my part (lots going on yadda yadda).
Okay - This is a very grandiose poem, but I can't help but feel that there's a little too much going on.
The last stanza leaves you breathless because there's nowhere to breathe - no light and shade in the flow.
Also, in places, it seems as though you've broken the lines up to force the acrostic phrase to work. I would never recommend ending a line with 'and' or 'the' because they're weak words.
The final 3 lines are obviously struggling to fulfil the phrase - there's no reason for the last 2 lines to be one word long. If this poem was not an acrostic, there's no way you'd break the lines up like that.
The real test of a successful acrostic is to see whether the poem would be better if it was written differently - if the answer's no, then BINGO! If the answer's yes, then it's back to the drawing board.
It IS a hard style to master and it's not easy to make it seem effortless.
I think this is a good poem that has not yet realised its full potential :) |
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