Poisoned Chalice - Wee challenge 17
He suppressed a cough, and sipped at his wine. Something in the air perhaps, caused his throat to constrict. She did have a lot of flowers tonight. He looked around, his vision swimming. Suppressing another cough, he sipped again, wondering why he chose to use the wine to soothe his throat.
He got to his feet, the glass slipping from his fingers and shattering on the floor. Water, not wine. That was it.
Flowers, and too many candles burning, his eyes rolled and he tried to turn toward the kitchen, tripping on the carpet.
She laughed, a sweet tinkling sound, and yet behind it there was relief. And as his throat constricted further, blocking all air, he realized he was dying. She stood over him and smiled.
“This is for Veronica,” she said sweetly, kneeling, “and Shelly, and Marie, and Jody, and,” she kissed his nose softly as his eyes finally closed, “me.”
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-11-13 11:39
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She laughed, a sweet tinkling sound, and yet behind it there was relief. And as his throat constricted further, blocking all air, he realized he was dying. She stood over him and smiled.
“This is for Veronica,” she said sweetly, kneeling, “and Shelly, and Marie, and Jody, and,” she kissed his nose softly as his eyes finally closed, “me.”
The pov gets a wee bit confused here. The story starts in his pov, but how would he know her laughter spoke of 'relief'? But no one else has had a problem with it, so it's probably just me.
Thanks for the read, Jen - I did enjoy the story, just tripped at that one part.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Thula7 - 2007-11-09 16:58
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| Thank you penguin. I have re-examined my flash and you are right. It needed some restructuring. I hope it flows better now. Thank you. |
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| Nice story... I'm never gonna drink well at least I hope but yeah nice story :) |
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Nice one.
However, have you ever tried to sip while suppressing a cough?
Then there's "Getting to his feet, the glass dropped from his fingers, shattering on the floor." Bad construct, although most people will get what you mean. Maybe: "He got up, cursing as the glass slipped from his fingers and shattered."
I think a new paragraph for the sentence following - the need for water is effectively a new idea, and one should as far as possible have only one idea per paragraph.
Another question: carpet in the kitchen? It jars a little, since most kitchens have tiles or vinyl on the floor.
I'd indicate a time break between that part and "she laughed" - a "#" usually works, or a series of underscores.
These are all minor "issues", but they are things that editors would catch and ask to be changed.
But it's still a well done story! |
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Comment by: Thula7 - 2007-11-09 12:56
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| Well found Nora, it was a case of thinking faster than I'm typing. Thank you. |
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