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Beyond the Border
She screamed as she read the message on the computer screen:
"enjoy life while you can"
She could barely make sense of what was happening, the words were trembling before her eyes, and so was she.
“Another one of those messages and I'll be dead,” she said to her friend, while she deleted the eerie typing. She looked petrified.
"Don't you say that," her friend answered, slightly lightening the weight on her shoulders, “that's exactly what they want.”
“But they video recorded all those innocent people, being tortured to death, all girls ages between thirteen and thirty. How much more proof do you need? Your friend is involved. It is way too risky now. If I were you, I would not go. And please do stay away from his companions. They might be even more dangerous. Your friend almost took you to your own death, remember?”
No, she didn't want to hear her any more. And she wouldn't even listen to herself...
“But he's my boyfriend, and I have feelings for him. Besides, his friends were always very nice to me.”
The complot was complete. She was already part of the game. She could get hurt otherwise. But how much more injured would she be than that? Her heart was bouncing like a baby's cradle and she could hardly breath. But little could she imagine that the worst was yet to come, when she would finally cross the border.
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I like the image of her heart bouncing like a baby's cradle. It's very vivid and interesting, made me pause to think for a moment.
Thanks for sharing, Ana.
J. |
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OK, very intriguing. I love a story requiring a couple of reads to figure it out. Great use of your word allotment.
I see everyone has had at it with various crits, so I hesitate to add my own when all these great writers have already said everything I could and more. Though I think when the friend touches her shoulders, it should be "lightly" instead of "slightly". |
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Comment by: antunes - 2007-11-10 07:15
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Thank you all for your comments. They really made much sense to the entire plot.
Dear Sarra: Complot means to engage in plotting or enter into a conspiracy, swear together; I took this word for I thought it was appropriated since she knew about all that was happening so she was not a victim but she somewhat, even indirectly (for her knowledge of the evidences) participated on the game. Thanks again! |
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Comment by: sarra - 2007-11-09 21:26
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| I liked this, I just have no idea what a complot is. My spell check doesn't even recognize it. |
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Hi Ana,
Thank you for taking the challenge! Nice idea! I get a great visual of the circumstance right away! (Karen's going to shoot me for using three exclamation marks in a row.)
Here are a few suggestions:
"enjoy life while you still can" <-- I'd remove 'still'.
“Don't you say that, girlfriend,” answered her friend, slightly touching her shoulders, “that's exactly what they want.”
-- how about, "Don't you say that," her friend answered, slightly touching her shoulders, "that's exactly what they want." Having the 'girlfriend' part lightens the feel.
"And I think your dear friend is very involved."
I would do a number of things here. I would remove the 'And'. Or, I would rewrite the sentence to read, "Your dear friend is too involved."
DKav also makes some fine suggestions. :)
Other than that, good work! :) |
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