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antunes
Ana C. Antunes
Brazil, Santos (My treasured Island)

Words: 222
Access: Public
Comments: 3

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The Afghan

Considered a genius in his own country, he earned a scholarship in a community where bullying was a common ground. He was not another refugee, some already purged by insults, abuses and death threats, others with no better option than staying. Yet he was a foreigner, introduced as an intruder into a gang, constantly harassed by the fang of a snake whose poison, if injected, was mortal.

“Where'd you get wheels, nerd?” He heard another student shouting on his way home. He didn't respond.

“Did you hear me?” He kept looking straight. He thought tough talk would stop as it usually did, and the guy would give up as long as he kept moving.

“You don't even know my language, do you, moron??” No answer.

“Why don't you get back to your country, if not by free will, by four wheels, or two wings, rather?"

He kept cycling. He smiled, for it was a beautiful sunny day and nothing would disturb his free spirit. All of a sudden, a vehicle hit his front wheel and he flew.

“Bullying is what we should bury,” said an eye witness amidst the crowd, while his body was taken by the ambulance. The police asked who had been victimized. But nobody knew his name. He was simply known as The Afghan.

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Comments  
LadyMoon Comment by: LadyMoon - 2007-11-11 05:52
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Thanks for joining the challenge.

Kowalski and ThePenguin have touched on all that I would have mentioned. I encourage you to re-work it. You have a great concept, so stick with it. Let me know when you do, I'd love to re-read it.

Cheers,
Ashliegh
ThePenguin Comment by: ThePenguin Online- 2007-11-10 14:43
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As Bill says, you've got a good little story going here.

The main problem is that it seems kind of piecemeal, not really flowing to give a complete word picture, leading to "the afghan". It's like you were trying to bring together images in your mind, and put thenm all down as they came to you.

Perhaps it's a matter that English is a second language for you, but this comes across as needing a lot more work - editing and refining.
Kowalski Comment by: Kowalski - 2007-11-10 11:12
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Very interesting. You've created quite a fascinating little world here. A tale of alienation and resultant misunderstanding. Some sensitive thoughts put into writing.

You just need to do a little fine-tuning on the little stuff like "A genius, on his own country", which probably would read better "a genius in his own country"; "foreigner at a community" which I think should be "foreigner in a community"; after "screamed at" put "in"; and do something with “Bully is what we should bury” which I think confuses the reader.

I think you have the soul of a great writer in you. Keep writing for us!
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By antunes

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