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She Doesn't See Her Beauty
She doesn’t see
the beauty that I do
when she looks at her face.
The ghosts
that swoop and hover in the
oceans of her eyes
give them more depth,
to me,
but she just sees
old memories.
The tiny scar that dips
a bit below her hairline
serves to mark, for her,
“corrections”
from her father’s heavy hand;
but it shows me
she’s proven under fire
and signifies
how hard she tries each day
for gentleness
with our own
precious brood.
My covert glances
at the creases
showing tiny near her eyes
and mouth
bring happiness as
I recall
the laughs we’ve shared
and smiles made
while we were
living in the moment.
These signs loom large
to her,
a billboard,
screaming that she’s growing old
having never felt the joy
of being young.
And while these things
inspire me to
cling more tightly
to her trembling frame,
they only make
her want
to push away.
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Really enjoyed this one.
It's so personal and evocative that I really don't feel like giving any criticisms at all. Sometimes when you see a piece of writing that reaches past technique to impart something so worthy, you just can’t bear to say anything but how great it is.
So all I’ll say is nice work Eric, and thanks for posting something wonderful (again). |
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Comment by: esknapp - 2007-11-12 11:44
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Thank you all for your help. I knew I had some changes to make, and you helped me to focus positively on how to do that.
Eric |
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Comment by: Sophia - 2007-11-12 01:17
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Very tender and beautifully written. I liked these lines particularly:
The ghosts
that swoop and hover in the
oceans of her eyes
give them more depth,
but she just sees
the memories of
a painful childhood.
They sum up the character perfectly. |
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The human face may be the most beautiful thing in the world. I like how you've made this poem an inventory of all that you love about this particular face & given subtext & meaning to the 'imagined' flaws. I like how you incorporate the subject's POV ('a billboard') as a counterpoint to your own. My only niggle is the line 'memories of a painful childhood'-- I wonder if that's not too overt (given the covert descriptions that come later?) The use of inverted commas on “corrections” tells a story in itself.
Think you're very game to wear your heart on your sleeve like this E.
Ash :) |
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Comment by: Falling - 2007-11-10 12:37
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I read your post, so I came in to read your poem. I think you put the situation gently while explaining her "ghosts" and unwillingness to get closer to you. I don't think poems, whether short or long have any difference and people who will only read short poems, are short in their own mind. I enjoyed your poem as it showed the real human condition, how one person can affect the other, and how one can devistate and cause so much harm, the person becomes "dehumanized". I felt you captured that well.
I hope she know's just how beautiful she is... it made me cry. |
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