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Wee Stories Challenge # 18
For a while, Lullaby thought about the first days he has met Alia. He has never forgot her eyes. He has felt a passion for her but has never told her.
He has always remembered the eyes game they were playing when she was with her parents. She was different from all the girls he has known before.
Those memories burnt him for a moment. Tears rolled to the floor. He knew that he has hurt her feelings for him. Alia has saw him in the arms of another girl. He has then lost Alia.
Alia has been crying for this, she has never been humiliated before and she did not know why he has done this to her. Lullaby has come to see her several times but it was enough for her.
Lullaby could not forget her eyes, there were something beyond the border of love in them....
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| i think to add other parts to it later!! |
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thanks very much! i tell you a secret i wanted to have less showing because i was trying to camouflage the writing by not showing the feelings directly!!
like a good girl i will tell you something.
the line " he has felt a passion for her" shows he has loved her.
then the lines "she was playing the eyes..." and " she has been humiliated..." shows she also was loving him deeply.
a bit mischievous of me!
it was just to make an amazing story and original one that i try to create a doubtful atmosphere! thanks very much for your comment i really appreciate!! |
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Hello!
What a nice twist on the challenge. *snaps fingers*
One of things that I noticed, is that there seems to be more telling and less showing.
For example:
What kind of passion did he feel? A burning desire to press his pencil-thin lips on hers?
What was the eye game like? The batting of her thick eye lashes seduced him
How was she different? What kind of behaviour made her stand out?
How does he know that he has hurt her feeling?
"Tears rolled down the floor."
Is the floor slanted? Or did you mean, "Tears rolled to the floor". When someone cries tears roll over their cheeks, down to the cleft in their chin, and then smashing into a hundred tiny droplets on the floor. We know that tears go downward, so I think its safe to say that you can emit the word 'down' because the reader already assumes that's the direction they're going.
Lullaby could not forget her eyes, there were something beyond the border of love in them....
-- this line warmed me right up! People can relate to delving into someones eyes, seeing beyond physical, material matter. |
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| thans very much i really appreciate your comments!! |
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Comment by: lucy - 2007-11-10 12:40
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| What a great idea - love the way you used the title. I hadn't thought of that. A sad story though. Sad. I liked this Joanna. Nice job! |
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