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Frontalot
Sean Hanson
United States, WA, Fort Lewis

Words: 126
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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For Merry Clayton

Merry, where'd the blood go?
It came out after the song,
it came out in the wash

and no one saw you doubled over,
clutching at your stomach, crying,
screaming maybe, I don't know,

but you sang that song like your life was in it,
like your body meant nothing,
like your baby was nothing,

nothing more than a sacrifice
as you wailed the frustration in someone else's poem,
the tumult of the '60s in a pinpoint scream:

IT'S JUST A KISS AWAY!
IT'S JUST A KISS AWAY!

The blood's gone now, the baby too,
the decade, the thinkers,
a green apple sliced in half,
everyone dropped out, tuned out, sold out,

but Merry, do you still have the dress?

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Comments  
AMorgan Comment by: AMorgan - 2007-11-13 00:58
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It reads much smoother, me thinks :)
AMorgan Comment by: AMorgan - 2007-11-12 21:40
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Fucking amazing, as always. small things: i would change the this in "'60s in this pinpoint scream:" to simply "a". I know it's terribly minute, but I feel that that word there upsets/throws off the rhythm of the poem. I'd also take the second to last stanza and dissect it more-- maybe break it into different lines (specifically "a green apple..."), or do something with the apostrophes. I think some very slight adjustments would do it good.

P.S. This is my last comment on any of your work until you give me feedback on mine. Way the game works, bitch.
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