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STAY AWAKE
Stay awake, my arms call you
And broken is now the breath,
outside there my poor soul cramped
into a gorse bush.
There are lights standing in the
air evaporating,
and a dog’s
barking where the ghosts fade
away along the path.
Stay awake please,
the sunrise is lost
forever,
in your sweet smelling pillow.
RIMANI SVEGLIO (Italian version)
Rimani sveglio,
Le mie braccia ti chiamano,
E spezzato è ora il fiato,
là fuori la mia povera anima
imprigionata
in un cespuglio di ginestrone.
Ci sono luci nell’aria ad evaporare,
e l’abbaiare d’ un cane dove i fantasmi
scompaiono lungo il sentiero.
Rimani sveglio,
odora il cuscino di albe perdute
per sempre.
Nightingale
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Comment by: briana - 2007-11-14 00:30
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| I really like this. The line "And broken is now the breath" really jumped out at me. What is this about? |
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Yes, the line breaks you propose seem more illuminating to me.
What it all boils down to is that when we recite our work, no one sees punctuation or line breaks anyway. When they read it though, they need all the help they can get! Take care,
Dave |
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Yes,Dave,there are two voices in my poem:an italian one and an english one. The syntax I had in mind when I wrote my original italian version is perhaps improbable in my english translation.The enphasis I felt in the first case is completely different from the one I felt in a language which is not my first language;may be the verse is more rational because of the translation.The articles are exactly those I used,I didn't want to say anything else really.I generally use to write without punctuation.If I wrote:There are lights standing in the air
Evaporating
And a dog’s barking
where the ghosts fade away
Along the path
Does it sound better?Can you feel a difference? Anyway,thank u x your interest and proposal for a good "solution" : ) |
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First, I would like to hear a native speaker read this Italian version. Reading it, the words sound beautiful in my minds ear, even though I can't follow the meaning that way.
Translation is a tough thing, especially for a non-native speaker. Most good translations involve two writers, one who speaks the original and one who speaks the second language. Here is an idea I have for one line. I would change the syntax slightly here:
"There are lights standing in the
air evaporating,
and a dog’s
barking where the ghosts fade
away along the path."
Lights are evaporating into the air
and dogs bark along the path
where the ghosts fade away.
Now I need to ask you about the articles. Is there only one possible path? Or many? Should it be "along THE path" or "along A path"? And are these specific ghosts? Are they plural? Is it "where THE ghosts fade away" or "where OUR ghosts fade away" or even, perhaps, "where YOUR ghost fades away"?
This condenses your original English lines quite a bit, but it seems, in my ear, to preserve the intent and images quite well. And that's something I strive for in work like this one, concise but detailed. Not something that's always easy.
Good luck with all you write.
Dave |
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| Thank you. I'm italian and it's not easy to me writing poetry in a foreign language,it's a challenge everytime.Every advice is welcome. |
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