writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
Rebeccaji
Rebecca Bista
United Kingdom, London

Words: 249
Access: Public
Comments: 5

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




Afghan

“Sex is a great way to introduce oneself, don’t you think?”

The man looking down at Debo had a lightly hooked nose and velvet eyes that extended sideways under heavy lids, like some kind of avid but under-heated reptile. Except that the lids were part-lowered in audacious amusement. He was tall but slight, with legs that seemed too long for his body, she noticed, like stilts. He wore a pink polo shirt and moved his hands fluidly as he lit a cigarette as if he were conducting a spell.

Debo raised an eyebrow. “Is it? How do you know?” She took a cigarette from his packet.

“Well, actually, I don’t, I’m just conducting a survey,” the man offered back in perfect but strongly accented Afghan English. “Of attractive women’s opinions.”

She crossed her arms. “What about men’s opinions?”

“I don’t think I need to ask the men, they would all give me the same answer.” The man smiled, mischievously.

“And what do the women say?”

“I don’t know yet.” He feigned helplessness as he glanced around the party. “You're the first one I’ve asked. Can I get you a drink?”

“Yes. I mean to the drink,” added Debo. “Vodka. Debo.” She held out her hand theatrically at arm’s length. Something about this man made her feel theatrical.

He took it, rather softly, she thought. “Tarek.”

“Hello, Tarek. A pleasure to meet you.”

Debo, all twenty-two years of her, grinned.

Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
LadyMoon Comment by: LadyMoon - 2007-11-14 06:46
Add to Readers
      
Hi!

Your first line made me chuckle. I started to think about how I'd start that in my community. "Hi, you're a stranger. I'd like to get to know you? My bedroom, say... 8pm? I'll pencil you in for an hour. I have a 9 O'Clock appointment." hehe

I agree with Nora. Longer!! :) I'm encouraging it. And I look forward to reading it when you do! :)
Rebeccaji Comment by: Rebeccaji - 2007-11-14 01:51
Add to Readers
      
Hi Ada and thanks = glad you appreciated it. I used conducting because i wanted both orchestral and magical - I thought casting was too obvious - he IS casting a spell! The story was about afghanistan anyway so I thought I'd stick it in here before I try to write the rest... I really struggle with dialogue so wanted some feedback!

I agree about 'as' though - will tinker.
r
mrsspark Comment by: mrsspark Online- 2007-11-13 11:41
Add to Readers
      
Hi Rebecca. Loved the chat-up line. Thought the dialogue was fantastic. Agree with Nora about wanting more...

Just one nitpick - the only even remotely clumsy patch I could find...
'...and moved his hands fluidly as he lit a cigarette as if he were conducting a spell.' Two 'as's in such close proximity jarred just a teeny bit, I thought. And conducting a spell - JMO, but I'd have gone for casting. Comes across all orchestral, otherwise.

Thanks for the read. Can't wait to see how this turns out.

Ada XX
Rebeccaji Comment by: Rebeccaji - 2007-11-12 14:44
Add to Readers
      
Thanks Nora. There is a twist in the end but not a resolution, exactly. I plan to add more to it later.
Nora Comment by: Nora Online- 2007-11-11 17:08
Add to Readers
      
An excerpt, indeed. Let me know when you add on to this. Good scene, Rebecca.
1

Sponsored Ads


By Rebeccaji

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S