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Basil
Basil Janssens
Belgium, Antwerp, somewhere

Words: 239
Access: Public
Comments: 6

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Beyond the border (Wee challenge 18)

Sanchez dreamed for years about a new life beyond the border. Now the day has come he felt scared about the unknown, leaving his family behind to become an illigal imigrant in the land of the free.
This was what he wanted , just a swim of 10 miles seperated him from his goal. His eyes looked up to the stars in the sky as they would give him the starting sign for his journey.
A last prayer , whispering words lost into the blasting sound of waves crashing on the shore. He had practised for almost a year, the tide would help him . His fingers started to shiver , it was time to go, getting nervous was not good.
The sea was cold at night, the salty drops of water touched his lips. For a second he wandered if he did the right thing but there was no way back.....not any more.
His first strokes gave him the courage to forget the fears, the doubts, the life he had.
Everytime he came on top of a wave he could hear the small lights in the far distance calling his name.
He was almost there,...oh yes,...every breath , every footpeddle,...almost there.
The lights became bigger and bigger as he could almost touch them. He did not hear the sound of the engine running along his left side.
“American Coast Police, please return to your country or we will arrest you....”.

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Comments  
LadyMoon Comment by: LadyMoon - 2007-11-18 07:51
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Ah yes, the swimming stories! I was waiting for him to get five feet from shore... and boom! SHARK ATTACK! haha

The only suggestion I have is this:

"Now the day has come he felt..."
Cleaning that line up a bit. I know what you mean, but it could come across a lot clearer.

Ex. "Now that the day had come, he felt..." or something along those lines.

Other than that,
Bravo!
Basil Comment by: Basil - 2007-11-12 22:39
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Hi all,...thanks for the quick responses.
Nora: Thanks for the remarks, I will keep them in mind for follow-ups. Yes I'm flemish but my skills are just basic English but learning everytime I try to write something lol.
For Brightlight: 10 miles lol, well at first I had 3 miles but it just felt to short to have a police boat running across the shore lol and he had practised a year,..he would have made it if I had more words to spend ,..hahahahahah
TaylorB Comment by: TaylorB - 2007-11-12 16:41
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I live in Texas.
I hear stories about this kind of stuff all the time haha.
BrightLamp Comment by: BrightLamp - 2007-11-12 13:58
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he could hear the lights? This made me laugh, because silly visuals don't make sounds =] Also ten miles is pretty far, it may not sound like it, but to swim one mile is really tough [esp if you are a hard working Mexican and not in swimming shape]. Nice picture.
aaron1812 Comment by: aaron1812 - 2007-11-12 13:32
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Nice. You definitely captured the moment, not easy to do with such a short piece. I was right there in the water.
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