Lately I don’t know whether to scream or to cry. It’s like no matter how hard I try I feel like my legs are pulled out from under me and I’m left falling. No good deed goes unpunished! That is my motto. I can’t make a soul happy, except for Sean. I guess no one else really matters as long as I make him happy right? It’s just I’m sick to death of the guilt. The “you could have done this” or the “why didn’t you do that” or the “you’re not giving enough of yourself” I can’t take it!

My mother called today to check on the boys. All she could say is, why don’t you move back home? Why don’t you just leave that crappy house you live in and come back here and buy a new one? You know your brother this, and your brother that. You’ve abandoned your family long enough don’t you think. Come home we’ll help you with the kids. I so badly want to scream, I don’t need your help, I don’t want your help, and I abandoned No One! But I can’t say that.

No matter what I do or say to that woman it’s not good enough. I am the black sheep. I moved away to make my life better, not to hurt her. It’s been 6 years, you would think she would have figured that out by now. Yet, some are so blind. I never made the choices I made to affect anyone but myself. Yet, still I’m shunned. Why is it that people can always remember your greatest mistakes, but never your greatest accomplishments? Why must I always have things thrown back in my face? What have I done so very wrong? I don’t understand. Perhaps I never will.

I’ve been through hell and back and would do so again and again because of what I have. I have the world and I’m thankful for it every day. Maybe no one else can see it but me? I don’t hate my mother, I never will. I am just so annoyed at what I let her do to me. Only I can feel the guilt she puts on me. Why do I allow her to do it still after all these years and 800 miles?

They are not coming to visit this year. I can’t say that I’m terribly disappointed about that, which is horrible. My stress level for the holiday will be lessened greatly. As I am sure Sean’s will be. She prefers if I come home. She knows my grandparents are not going to be around forever and I need to see them. I need to become part of my family again. I am part of a family, MY family. I would come home to visit, I would, I would love to. It would mean the world for me to actually meet my nieces and see my cousins and grandparents. But I can’t. I have a full time job and 2 kids. When they are sick I have to stay home. All my vacation time is spent on their days off of school. There really is nothing I can do about that. She reads it as I don’t WANT to be around her of the family. Which is completely false.

I give up. I moved 800 miles away to make a better life for us. I don’t regret my decision; I just regret the fact that I let her get to me like this. That I let her make me so completely infuriated. I’m just tired. So very tired of so many people. So very tired of being pulled in so many directions. I give up. I’m done. I quit.

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