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Morning Air
your touch would be light--
a ghosting warmth,
until, (oh, god!)
you leave me--
marked,
like prints on crystal,
keeping, keeping...
then finger-swiped away-
your taste,
like a tongue to lime,
hissing--sputtering--
"S-s-tay..."
shrinking shadow-steps,
so careful--
(oh, god!)
I am aching--
reaching,
but I can not touch--
no,
I will not stretch.
"please..."
little Phantom--
"please...S-s-tay..."
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Comment by: jakemac - 2007-11-30 22:57
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| I don't know how much I dig the flow of this. It seems appropriate for this piece to capture that choppiness of the moments after sex, but I just don't feel that it has the same stacato anxiety that the emotion really needs. Little phantom is an odd phrase, maybe just phantom would work better. Some of the sentence structure could be patched up. Important situation you're trying to capture here, dig the concept, just needs some editing (who doesn't!). Watch the placement of your verbs, i.e. "Keeping, Keeping" and "I am aching, Reaching," just feels very uncomfortably detached from the topic at hand, and a little contrived. |
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| I cannot with all honesty add anything to what has already been said. This is a fantastic poem. Love how you portray sounds and feelings with such simplicity. Great writing, looking forward to reading more of your work. |
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| Wow. This is really great. I love the form you use, the images, and sounds. This challenges me to be more creative with form. Your experience definitely shows. |
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We want to hold on to those things that make us feel, no matter what they might be.
"like prints on crystal" - wonderful.
Great rhythm. |
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| This is an inventive piece and I enjoyed reading it a lot. I like the sensual feelings it exudes and the imagery of 'marked/like prints on crystal' is pleasing. The last stanza has a dreamlike quality to it and brings the poem to a pleasant finish. Good stuff, April. |
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