Letter to Joe Alone in Manhattan
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Poetry >> Letter to Joe Alone in Manhattan
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Letter to Joe Alone in Manhattan
Last night at home in San Diego,
your side of the bed blared vacant
like the neon signs we saw flashing
in the windows of seedy motels
along highway 70 through Missouri, Illinois,
Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia, Pennsylvania.
But I’m not looking to fill the vacancy
in my arms your move has left.
And you walk alone down the streets of Manhattan
looking at studios and one-bedrooms in high-rises
and railroads in five-story walk-ups –
looking for a new home within our budget,
a place to welcome me when the illuminated
vacancy sign finally extinguishes with a hiss –
a space for me to renew the lease
in the apartment of your heart.
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| I would have to agree with David on a few of his suggestions...primarily the "seedy hotel" one. Otherwise I thought this was an impressive read. Your writing is quite graceful and your talent shines through with each line. |
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Ok, here's some ideas. Blared is an aural quality, and I'm not sure if you mean glared or not, but the neon signs probably didn't blare, but glared.
Seedy motels is worn, a cliche' but you shouldn't drop the adjective completely. I'd choose "tired," but grimy would work, cheap would work but borders on worn itself.
I think you need something in front of "along highway 70" Scattered along highway 70, we saw along highway 70. Then I'd do a line break and start anew at "through Missouri..."
I definatley think you need a syntax shift in the last line of S1: But I'm not looking to fill the vacancy...your move has left...in my arms. Or a shuffle, But I'm not looking to fill the vacant arms your move has left. Either sound better to me.
That vacancy sign extinguishing(great verb choice)with a "hiss" is a wonderful sound. I think the reason they work so well is that "extinguish" has a hiss in it already.
Lastly, you might consider not quite taking the reader to the end here. Maybe just "a space to renew our lease. Spelling it all out seems to diminishes the effect for me.
Hope this is of some use.
Dave |
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| This has nice sense of simplicity and symetry to it. Short and sweet and to the metaphor. |
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