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The Runner: Damien's Demented Contest
Word says: With spaces - 439 Characters
He was running, his arms powering, his face contorted. His breath was steamy bursts in the cold air. Waiting for the traffic lights to go green, I wondered who chased him; his victim? He wore a smart long coat, tied at the middle, and shiny shoes. Not your stereotypical muggers’ uniform.
Pulling away I looked back at him in my rear-view and saw the Double Decker speed past him towards the bus stop 100 metres away. It was then I smiled.
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It's the mundane happenings of life that translate well when storytelling. My only quarrel with this piece is maybe it had too much detail. In my opinion, the story would have stood stronger if if felt as a fleeting glimpse through the rear view mirror. I feel that this might have been the effect you were going for. All in all, a good story.
D.Dread |
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| I liked it...that was flash fiction for sure..only 83 words..not much to work with but you made the most of less than 100 words...that is NOT easy...nice write |
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A story I can relate to as both a spectator and participant.
It reminds me of when I use to get the bus to college. Most times I would miss a bus by the skin of my teeth. It would invertiably arrive at the bus stop when I was just far away to miss it, no matter what time I started up the street.
Great story! |
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| Yeah-we don't have those double-deckers in the states-poor guy, I can imagine how he'd feel if he got to the bus stop just a few seconds too late. I love the twist at the end. |
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Comment by: hx - 2007-11-14 20:13
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| Very impressed with how much description you packed into the first two sentences. Very well-written little story. I was a little confused, though, as to why she jumped to the mugger conclusion. Maybe a word or two to clarify that? |
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