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Communion
Snowdrops nipped at my pasty skin
melting on contact,
stinging,
dissolving,
I continued to walk,
guided.
Winding roads
with unfamiliar turns and hills
I tried to keep in stride with life.
I tried to find myself.
Instead I found a rickety house with one light on.
I thought about the pictures on the wall inside
who the people in them were
what were the stories behind their lives?
Then I noticed a man.
He was on his knees,
crying.
Something inside me knew how strong he was.
I approached the window.
I wanted to know him.
I realized my hands were touching the wet glass.
With no warning, the man locked eyes with me.
I couldn't move.
Beautiful confusion,
How could I feel so much for a stranger?
Glass feels like miles.
He lifted the barrier.
He handed me a Book and pointed to an underlined caption.
His tears were of joy.
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| Thanks Steph...I do tend to get stuck in a passive voice quite a lot. Now that you've posted this I can clearly see the difference and will get to work on a revision. I agree with you that an active voice makes for a greater peice be it poem or story. It'll probably take me a few weeks to post the new version. Hope you'll come back to check it out. |
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Comment by: Stephie - 2007-12-01 18:49
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Okay, I am finally getting this to you, sorry I have taken so long! This is just an example of what the changes can do (the reasons why are at the bottom):
Snowdrops nip at my skin
melts on contact:
stings,
dissolves.
The streets I walk
turn and hill.
I find myself here.
A house slouches,
with one light lit.
I peer through her windows,
uncover her pictures.
In her room crowded by secrets,
a man cries on his knees.
But, I see strength.
I approach the door.
I want to know him.
My hands touch the wet wood.
With no warning, the door opens,
we lock eyes.
I can't move.
I feel for the stranger.
Glass feels like miles.
but, He lifts the barrier-
hands me a Book, points
to an underlined caption.
His tears speak:
"Joy."
I find myself here.
Subjective is any form of 'to be': is, are, was, were, am.
Also, words enidng with -ing are also passive. Writing with an active voice, gives much more force behind any poem. Readers become more involved with poem, and thus, wants to go back to the poem many times, evaluating not only the poem, but also themselves.
I realize, that "hill" may not be a verb, but I like to play with words ;)
And of course, I have contrived a few ideas that I felt were inspired by your visions. All just thoughts darling, do what you will. I basically want to show you what it looks like from another point of view ;) |
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| These are good suggestions nakedrainbow, thanks for reading and I will play with this and tighten it up a bit. |
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| I am struck by the desire to want to know and/or be affected by someone you don't know. This itself, words aside, is unusual. There are places in the poem I felt compelled to change around...remove lines "I tried to keep in stride with life/I tried to find myself" and "I wanted to know him"...and if there is a way to show that the tears at the end were joyful, find a way to show it rather than tell it. These are just suggestions for a beautiful, moving poem that could also be titled "Invisible Hand" or "Guidance System". Peace. |
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| I like how we are led along, then WHAM at the end with a completely different and uplifting thought. Very good. |
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