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Thula7
Jen Steffen
United States, MN, Minneapolis

Words: 259
Access: Public
Comments: 6

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Beyond the Border - wee challenge #18

Walking in a line, she looked from ground to sky. The sun shone brightly overhead, casting short shadows along her path. It was a short trail.

"Always here, never there," she said with a sigh.

Turning, she headed back the way she had come. The cement, warm on her feet, weeds in the cracks wilting as she stepped on them.

"Step on a crack, break your momma's back. Step on a line, break your momma's spine." She stepped long to land on another weed.

The brick wall came up sooner than aniticipated and she bumped into it. Shaking her head, rubbing her arms, she turned again to make the same course. She reached the fence after only a few paces.

"Retard!" she heard through the fence. "Moron."

She stuck out her tongue, turning again. "I'm rubber, you're glue. It bounces off me and sticks to you." She held her hands over her ears, making her voice sound louder.

At the wall, she started to cry. Standing there, she hit her head against the bricks. It hurt so good, she did it again. Then again, because it made the ugly words yelled at her from the border of the yard, turn to laughter. Laughter was good for your soul, or so she'd been told.

Her head hurt, and wiping her itchy cheek, she stuck her hand in her mouth. "Gross," she said, tasting blood.

Her mom came, yelled at them, and hugged her.

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Comments  
LadyMoon Comment by: LadyMoon - 2007-11-18 09:58
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*takes a breath*
I've finally arrived at your piece. First of all, well done.

In this piece, the variances of emotion are captured in a comfortable medium the reader can relate to and easily understand. I like how you kept the taunting to a minimum. It controls the situation and puts more focus on the main character, allowing the reader to understand how crude, inappropriate behaviour is internalized.
citydweller Comment by: citydweller - 2007-11-16 09:28
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I hadn't thought of "I'm rubber, you're glue" in quite some time. It worked really well in this story.

A vivid portrait of a moment here; I enjoyed it very much. I especially liked the detail in "She held her hands over her ears, making her voice sound louder."

Good write. Thanks for sharing it.

~J.
Rosie Sandler Comment by: Rosie Sandler - 2007-11-16 05:40
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Poor little thing. I really felt for her.

I like the economy of, 'The sun shone brightly overhead, casting short shadows along her path. It was a short trail.'

You took us right inside her head, with that simplicity of childish thought combined with her learning difficulties. 'Her mom came, yelled at them and hugged her' is a great example of that.

I found her reactions very convincing - the show at defiance, followed by the tears.

Great, sympathetic writing.
hx Comment by: hx - 2007-11-15 08:34
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Very well told. Brief, but nothing lost. I found it interesting that you included two child-like rhymes ('step on a crack'/'i'm rubber you're glue'). I think it would have been a tad more satisfying if you'd found a way to throw in a third. Don't know what it is about the number 3, but somehow it cements themes such as those.

That aside - nicely done. Bravo.
L J Comment by: L J - 2007-11-15 08:27
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A great character driver yarn. I caught defiance. A sticks and stones kind of fable. Some moments light hearted, other moments tense. No gremlins that i can see, nothing stopped the pacing.
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