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Beyond the Border (a wee story)
I hear stories of Mexico from my husband and they’re horror stories. Bartenders yanking your head back to pour tequila down your throat. Men eating out strippers mid-show. Getting lost trying to get back to the States and having a Mexican cop pull you over, saying you can go for five dollars. Stories of corruption and lack of morals. The stuff novels are made of.
My mother comes back from a three week vacation down South. A tourist town gone downhill since the teachers began protesting. She said it was a “police town” not long ago, then made it sound like an artists’ paradise. Friendly, welcoming people. Inexpensive, hand-painted crafts.
Then my husband says, “You know what us Mexicans do? We sell the white tourists stuff we don’t want, that we have laying around the house. We’ll tell them anything to make a buck.”
“Yeah, I know. My mother’s always been gullible.”
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*waves*
Thanks for taking the challenge!
As for comments, I have to agree with Narnie. I was very curious about the town. Why was it a police town? How does she describe it to make it artsy? Down South from where?
I also agree with Rosie's critiques.
Other than that, well done! :) |
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Thanks to everyone for the comments and critique.
Rosie, I get the same feeling from the last line. It kinda leaves the reader hanging, but I'm still not sure how to improve it. :-/
J, you're right about my tenses. I have trouble with . . . not paying attention to tenses. I write like I talk. I'll have to start watching that more often.
Thanks again. -M |
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The tense was a little confusing at first (mother comes back, husband says), but I liked the piece. I also enjoyed the narrative voice. The images in the first paragraph made the narrator's point well.
~J. |
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OK, I just wrote this whole comment once, then got logged off by Editred for taking too long... Let's try again.
The narrative voice is really strong here, and I love the whole of the first paragraph - great images, conveying so much about the corruption of the culture in so few words.
But I assumed the mother was still present when the husband made his comment about 'what us Mexicans do' - until I read the narrator's response. Perhaps you could start the paragraph with, 'Later, my husband says', or, 'Afterwards, my husband says', to make it clearer that the mother has left.
I also felt slightly disappointed by the last line, and I keep wondering if you could leave us with a stronger image, to match the earlier ones?
But still a very interesting read - hope my comments don't seem too picky. |
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Comment by: - 2007-11-15 00:25
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| Loving the easy style on this. The wonderful cynicism and irony. I wanted to have a little bit more explanation about the town she went to, ie. why were the teachers protesting? But I suppose the fact that I wanted more, means you've hit the nail on the head with this. |
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