Did I Ask for This? Alien challenge 4
Catapulted into nowhere,
Another day gone.
Perhaps I am not meant
To have all that I desire.
Under no other blanket,
Rising to no occasion,
I huddle in my corner.
No, I won’t change my mind.
Go ask your father.
Many nights spent sleepless,
Your fault, not mine.
Did I ask for this life?
Reality is so different from
Everything I dreamt of.
Among my few thoughts and dreams left,
My one last desire hasn’t died yet.
Someday, maybe.
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First off--this is just one of those silly things that are my pet peeves, but unless there's a real, specific reason, every line shouldn't start with a capital letter.
Secondly, you really have some interesting ideas and phrases going on here. I'm particularly fond of the opening line. I didn't like the title much; it's too easy, too obvious, and it feels a little like whining.
As others said, you do have a cool sense of distance, and that works really well.
Anyways, here are some changes--some small, others not. I figure it'll give you another perspective, if nothing else.
Catapulted into nowhere.
Perhaps I am not meant
to have all my desires.
Under another blanket,
never rising the occasion,
I huddle in my corner.
(No, I won’t change my mind.
Go ask your father.)
Many nights spent sleepless,
awake by your fault.
Did I ask for you?
Reality is never my dream,
and it trickles into the night.
One last desire under my pillow.
For now. |
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Comment by: alien - 2007-11-19 05:48
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It is a very good poem. I enjoyed the subject a lot because, as the others said, there's room for the reader to READ the piece.
The last 2 lines of stanza 1 could go in speech marks, if you wanted them to.
Good work. Sorry I never got to read it sooner, I was away for a few days making a party for my daughter who was one year old yesterday :) |
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Comment by: Cherley - 2007-11-16 12:40
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| I feel the same as Rebecca. I really liked the way it could mean anything. Precise and open. She described it perfectly. It gives the feel of a child against her parents. |
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I love the way that this could apply to almost anything - it is so precise, and yet so open.
'Reality is so different from
Everything I dreamt of' - how true. |
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