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The First Line - Sometimes the name they give you is all wrong
Sometimes the name they give you is all wrong. Take Walter Xavier Harrington, for example. A perfectly fine name for a doctor or a lawyer or something else like that, but totally wrong if you want to go into the music biz. And God forbid if you want to change such a ‘respectable’ name when you belong to a family like mine. Both Republicans, if that tells you anything. I love my parents, I really do, but they get upset at the littlest things. Something major like changing my name would send them totally ballistic. Besides, I’m not of legal age yet, so it looks like I’m stuck, at least for another year, with this stupid label that fits about as well as a cello in an electric guitar case.
Yeah, I know, lame analogy. But I used to play the sitter-downer model, so I know what one is. Intimately. Parents again, insisting that I get a musical education. Serves ‘em right, dontcha think? I went from cello to guitar to electric guitar without too many problems. Except for my folks’ grief, of course. I mentioned they don’t approve of my taste in music and career, right?
Anyway, at least my friends are sympathetic. My nickname is Whax.(Get it? Like, he’s whack, only plural?) Don’t know if I’ll keep it as a stage name, but it works for now. Been trying to get a decent band together that’ll stay the course and all that. It’s not easy finding good musicians who aren’t also total flakes, ya know? Guess some of my parents’ uptightness got passed down, because I’m totally devoted to my music. If I can just get a good group together who can stay together, we’re golden.
So I’m downtown at this under-age hangout on a Friday night(my folks think I’m at my bud Harry’s place, studying.) trying to hook up with fellow ‘cians, when in walks this girl. Yeah, I know, there’s always a girl, right? Well, this one was dark-haired, small-chested(but making the most of what she’s got, ya know? Her twins were barely contained in a tiny two-button white blouse. And no bra. Trust me, you could tell.) A spiderweb medallion bounces between her peaks and a black velvet choker shows off a slender, pale neck. You can see a lot of silver and black studs race up her ears whenever her long hair flips around. Dark, sultry eyes, and bright ruby lips. Wearing a short black skirt that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. Creamy thighs go down into mid-calf black boots. The whole package.
Damn O'Mighty!
It’s always open mike night and as soon as there's a break between groups she takes the stage. A capella. Gives a Joplin yell and grinds into a mock-Hendrix tune that morphs into something like Nickelback. I’m assuming she composed it herself. Absolutely stunning. I mean, she was beyond good. No way she belonged with most of the wannabees that tend to flock to this place. And when she’s done, she makes a quick bow and then saunters over to the bar, cool as you please. Poised. Sits on a stool and orders something, ignoring the crowd that’s gawking at her. I mean, the place is absolutely still for a full blink before it occurs to someone to start clapping. She was that good.
The roar of the crowd tidal waves into the walls, shaking the place like crazy. The floor is wobbling. Drinks are not only spilling but falling off table tops. And then there’s a surge of people who start to vie for position around the queen bee. I’m near the back. Not too crazy about getting crushed myself. Morons. Like getting in her face is going to make her like them.
Then I get a wild idea. I call Lump, who plays bass, and then grab a drummer whose name I’ve temporarily forgotten in the excitement. Lewis, I think. Doesn’t have a stage handle yet. Not everyone does. Anyway, I pull out my Stratocaster® and manage to get my trio to the stage. If you want such a fly lady’s attention, use the medium she obviously prefers.
We jam. A little something from Shiny toy Guns to start. Segued into U2 and then into a Nickelback ditty, different from hers. And finally, free-form.
It all gels. We are awesome. And yeah, she notices.
I flash what I hope is a charming smile and then go back to concentrating on my riffs. I stumble one chord but hopefully she doesn't notice. She’s got a killer gaze. Not a smile but not a frown. All deep and mysterious. Got to me for a sec. But soon I'm back in the zone and the tune takes over. This is Heaven.
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you need to stop trying so hard to sound colloquial. yes, teenagers are about street lingo and conversational style, however some of the phrases sound quite strained due to the fact that they have been used erroniously or in a slightly off context. i suggest editting out some of the jarring words and phrases that interrupt the flow of the piece.
here are a couple of less subtle things that could use revising:
"Besides, I’m not of legal age yet" <-- Instead, maybe you should say "im not legal yet" This is how my friends and i would express it.
"Serves ‘em right, dontcha think? I went from cello to guitar to electric guitar without too many problems. Except for my folks’ grief, of course. I mentioned they don’t approve of my taste in music and career, right?" <-- doesnt suit the rest of the language within the text. you go from relaxed teenager style to highly abbreviated and colloquialised.
"Friday night (my folks think I’m at my bud Harry’s place, studying.) trying to hook up with fellow ‘cians, when in walks this girl" <-- firstly, you shouldnt have a full stop inside the bracket. also, possibly because im not american, i do not get the 'cians reference. "hook up" generally means to kiss or get closer to, so if that was your intention, thats ok, but if thats not the general gist, i suggest revising the statement.
"Wearing a short black skirt that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination." <-- thats the kind of thing a parent or a bitchy female rivarly would say about another girl. not the kind of thing a guy would say if he thought a girl was hot (even if he did thing she was trashy.. he would be more carnal.. less negative)
"It’s not easy finding good musicians who aren’t also total flakes, ya know?" <-- dont need the "ya know". its jarring and unnessacary. its as if the author is trying to work out whether the responder understands, rather than relating a story/description.
Hendrix is a little old-school dont you think? maybe a franz ferdinand, pink flloyd, powderfinger, AC/DC, black sabbath reference would suit this better?
"The floor is wobbling. Drinks are not only spilling but falling off table tops." <-- maybe a little too hyperbole. read it over, and if you're still ok with it, then its alright.
I liked the last paragraph. you were a little less focused on making it sound young, and more focused on direct and honest communication. young people are all about getting a point accross directly and without bullshit. this is the style you are aiming to achieve.
hope this helps. i like to think im a fairly modern teenager (im sixteen). i go to parties, drink occasionally, go to clubs, have plenty of friends who go to raves and have been hit on by young males such as the one you are portraying. if u have any other specific questions, dont hesitate to mail! |
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without the parenthesis [btw, if you feel tempted to use that word at any point in the story - don't, only dungeons&dragons nerds have ever stumbled accross it], i assumed "whax" came from walter + xavier. cutting the h, and making it wax, purely for the walter + xavier meaning would be a far more likely nickname.
i cannot recall anyone at all close to my age [i'm 19] ever calling their parents "folks" or their friends "bud." also, i've never heard of musicians being called "'cians." although phrasing definitely has its regional appeal, in my experience, far more likely phrasing is "'rents" or "parents;" "friend;" and "musicians" or "artsy fuckers like me."
"Then I get a wild idea." the character changes right there. someone already mentioned the persona-change. i think simply removing the "Then" could help fix the characterisation a little, but it will need more work. also, no one said "Stratocaster(r)" - say "strat." [also, lose the "Also" from that sentence.]
think of someone else to reference in place of nickelback. i don't personally have a problem with them, but for the characters, nickelback don't seem right. the characters seem too obscure for nickelback to fit. |
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You are an amazingly amazing writer. This is hardcore.
Ok, my beef with this story:
You're trying too hard to make it sound younger. Relax up a bit. I mean, yeah, there are people like this, but a good way to appeal to readers is to make the story mean more to them.
Then I get a wild idea. I call Lump, who plays bass, and then grab a drummer whose name I’ve temporarily forgotten in the excitement. Lewis, I think. Doesn’t have a stage handle yet. Not everyone does. Anyway, I pull out my Stratocaster® and manage to get my trio to the stage. If you want such a fly lady’s attention, use the medium she obviously prefers.
Temporarily needs to go. Its a break in your level of style. Keep it teen, or keep it wordy. Keep it teen.
There's a lot of clunk. If it feels awkward, then it more than likely is. Let it flow. Teens are all about that, the flow of a piece. If you're character is a musician, then let him flow through the piece.
One LAst Important Thought: What does your opening couple of paragraphs have to do with the rest of the story? Not much. Either finish up with a reference to the beginning, or cut the first 3 paragraphs. The piece could still stand alone.
All in all, you've got powerful imagery, vibrant setting, and a hardcore pen. Great job. |
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| Nickelback is not cool. At all. I have heard the word "ditty" associated with children's songs; however, maybe it works when referring to Nickleback. Also, truckers and HAM-radio operators have "handles", musicians do not. Good luck. |
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This is intended as the start of a longer story. I'd appreciate 'harsh' insights as to lingo, etc, that I've used. (I want to make this feel as authentic as possible for the generation being represented.)
Admittedly, I'm a fogey at 44 years old, but I do have teenagers and early twenty-something children, so I'm not completely clueless. I just know to recognize my limitations.
Any suggestions will be taken into careful consideration.
Thanks! |
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