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Dyna's story 1
*I don’t care, he doesn't bother me as long as I don't look. I'll be fine as long as I don't look.* That’s what Dyna told herself while she was sitting in the smothered room, clenching onto her terry cloth Frankie B sweater. It seemed as though he tried to sit next to her, but she knew composure was the only thing she had to hold on to. So she switched seats with an innocent bystander.
*Ok, everything's fine. You're good, you're calm, and your pride is still intact.* She took a deep breathe to reassure herself. Dyna wasn't about to let the world see her weak spot, and she sure as hell wasn't going to let herself look like a fool. She tried her best to pretend he wasn't there and it almost worked, until she began to wonder and she saw him in the corner of her eye.
*Oh fuck, I'm done. It's over, I lost.* Just seeing him trying to do the same thing made her sting all over. She felt a sharp pierce through her chest. And it felt cold, even though her sweater was very comforting. She quickly looked away, and then he began to talk. Every word that he spoke hurt. Every look he gave burned. And Dyna knew she had lost the battle, because she remembered that she cared and he didn't.
*Why do we do this? This is whack. Oh well, too late to turn back now.* She couldn’t stand his words and gestures that cut like a knife. She quickly fumbled through the mess of sticky feet and rushed for the door. *Bye Dyna...* He said, just as she was about to close the door. She was so flustered she didn't respond. And when she closed the door she regretted it.
When she walked away, she felt the cold wind hitting her face. The only things she heard as she walked away, was her own footsteps. She thought of running back in and giving him a kiss, and maybe that would make everything better. *FUCK NO, AM I STUPID!?! there's no point in showing you care about someone if they don't care about you. Why would you even want to be around someone who just wants to hurt you out of spite? I'll never let someone like him hurt me, FUCK NO!!* * She quickly regained consciousness and sanity and walked to her car and drove away, hoping she wouldn’t wake up when she slept.
She never knew it, but he felt the exact same way she did. They were both hurting each other out of spite. And they were both too stubborn to be honest. They would end up hating each other for it.
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Comment by: hx - 2007-11-16 09:05
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Good writing here. You've probably noticed by now that the formatting is a bit wonky - made it a little hard to read but I got through it. And it was worth it, it was a nice little introspection/character study. One line that stood out as a little clumsy, though, is "She couldn’t stand his words and gestures that cut like a knife." I get what you're trying to say, but it's a bit jarring to the reader to have two very different things (words/gestures) compared to a single item.
Also - the last paragraph, while offering a delicious twist to the story, suddenly introduces a new God-like perspective. You might consider keeping the same twist, but introducing it via a glimpse into his thoughts (something like, 'I like her so much, I love being near her, Oh no she's leaving, what did I do, she must hate me!)
Just a suggestion. In any case, your talent shows through. Keep it up! |
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