Sunday, 22 September, 2002

There is a game which I call the game of life. There are so many games going on within so many different levels that it makes my head spin. I created my own little world of being asleep while walking, talking, and seemingly to carry on with a life to fit into it. Or, at least, I tried to accomplish this. This was the only way I new how to exist within the confines of the game’s borders.

I pretended to act like the perfect child. I pretended to rebel as a teenager. I pretended to be the good and responsible single parent. I pretended to be the perfect girlfriend and potential wife. How I did all this pretending and keep my level of cognition of the game is still a mystery to me. It was my game within a game. I became so lost that I forgot everything at once.

I repeated the same cycle of depression, loneliness, confusion, and helplessness over the stages of my life. I can see the pattern now that I have stepped outside of the game, my own and that of the world. The pattern was seen before but I was asleep and numb to the realization. I did nothing different within the game over time. Just the repetition of the same variations of life I saw played before me. The imitation of a life wanted is what I began creating. I did not live my life in truth but I did live my life within the game trying to get recognized.

Pretending and sleeping and keeping the helplessness as a cusion to fall back on when I felt stuck was the main course to what I digested day in and day out. Experiencing this for 30 years is a long time. I started the cycle at 3 years of age. This is how far back my memory goes. I will turn 34 in two days. In my eyes it feels like a waste of time. Is something wasteful if out of the vast uselessness of a life a miracle awakening occurs? So I cannot curse my period of darkness for it is a part of me.

The game of life I compare to my cycles of repetition of pretending and sleeping. I saw what I wanted to see and believed what I was told. What I created supported what I was told What did not fit I pretended it was something more pleasing to the eye, soft to the touch, and soothing to the palate. Anything outside of this I ridiculed and stepped on. I elevated myself on the back of something that I called weaker. Oh and let's not forget about the lies. It was only a lie if it did not agree with my rules. Some games within the games became lies because it caused me to look within. I gained confidence and strength until another game began to be played out before me.

As I stated there was my game and the game on a worldly scale which has many levels. I encountered the many levels of the game of life outside of my own full force once I left my mother's house. I was torn apart like a feather within a tornado. I tried to play the game, this new game for about a year and a half. I failed to follow the rules correctly. I did not pay attention to the signals and clearly marked paths. Also I fell asleep during the lectures on reading the maps and operating the compase. Actually I fell asleep on the journey as a whole. I moved myself forward by pretending that I had been prepared. In essence I faked my way from one point to another like cramming for a final exam.

I had off and on success for 8 years since that rocky beginning. Living life in the game and learning to be an adult, single mother, and girlfriend all at once only brought me crashing down to the lull year before my 28th birthday. In retrospect, I experienced the cycle of repetition for over and over. I spun around and around looking for something right under my nose and right before my eyes.

The game was my answer. I has been there since before I was born. Someone created it and everyone follows or has followed its rules since its creation. On one variation or another it is being played out around the world. I do not wish to stop it or recreate it in any way, shape or form. I only needed to realize that it exists for my health, mentally, physically, and spiritually. This is not a point for debate, for it might be debated anyway, but it is a point of realization. The game is there to awaken me to a state of full consciousness not to defeat my purpose of living but to live my life purposely.

My experiences have led me to this point. It is my responsibility to live in truth and to choose each moment another choice outside of the game. I have lived it for so long that it feels foreign and strange to challenge what I had been told before to do. I began to question myself immediately if what I was thinking was correct because of past errors. I at once noticed that this is the first time I even realized that I was beginning to live. Each day felt like a struggle. No one could give me a concrete answer as to whether or not I was crazy, asleep, pretending, lying, or confused. This is where I write the music to my own melodies and not seek approval or permission to do so.

In the game of life the challenge of living is worth the struggle. Although what is percieved as a struggle to some may be a blessing to another. Who is playing whose game now? Or is that a game but a life lived by the choice of one?

My eyes may sting with the onset of tears and my heart may cry out in pain but it is my wake up call. The pain will fade in time and the tears will dry. I can only live for myself. Maybe along the way another will read and listen to my music. Is it necessary? It only takes one note to begin a song.

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