She just couldn’t get it off her mind. No matter how hard she tried. She couldn’t tune it out. It was destroying her very being, this she knew. It was diminishing the person she really was. All of this was just too much for her delicate soul to handle. She didn't think her heart couldn’t take much more.

This thing inside was suffocating her. It controlled her now. It controlled every movement, every thought, every word. They were all involuntary, controlled by this new and unfamiliar thing. She finally had a moment where this thing wasn’t controlling her. And she took everything in. She realized how screwed up everything was now. "God," she mumbled softly to herself, "what's happened..."

Peeling the sheets away from her and slowly sitting up, she stumbled out of bed staring off into the darkness. Her bare feet slowly sank into the carpet. She felt safe for a brief moment, in the room she was so familiar with. The pictures on the wall all reminded her of the past. They also reminded her of all the lost and broken dreams. She remembered all of those dreams, and wondered what had happened to them. Where did they all go?

But all of a sudden the thing took control of her again. She could feel it tugging at her, and she inched her way over to the door. She took a deep breath and slowly reached a shaky hand out to grab the doorknob. It was cold against her skin. She felt her hand quiver as she turned the knob and slowly pushed the door open. She walked out into the dim lit hallway and down the narrow stairway to the door. She stopped and almost pulled herself away. She thought about going back to her room and just ignoring this strange feeling. But something inside her, what was left of her from the past, wanted her to go back. But this new thing inside her was stronger than this faint piece of the past, that still remained somewhere within her troubled and confused soul.

Not knowing where to go from there, she decided to grab the car keys and go for a drive. Driving was a good way to just slip away from everything for a little while. She tip-toed over to where her mom’s car keys hung on the wall. The silver keys and various key chains glistened as the moonlight shone through the window and dimly illuminated that corner of the wall. An awkward chill ran through her arm down to her wrist and finally to the tips of her fingers as she grabbed the keys off the hook. They clashed and clanged together until she firmly gripped them in her hand so she did not make too much noise.

Everything was silent. All around her was darkness. She was surrounded by it, except for the thin beam of light shining through the window. She walked slowly over to the window, forgetting everything for a moment. She stared out the window, wondering if anyone out there cared enough to stare back. She looked around the yard that she was so used to seeing. But for some reason, this time looking at the yard was different. It brought back memories. She just stood there breathing softly as the memories fled back to her. Some were so painful she could hardly bear it, yet some were good memories, of friends, and family which gave her a warm feeling inside. She hadn't felt that in a long time. But soon enough, it was gone.

These bits and pieces of the past were starting to make her wonder what had gone wrong. And she was becoming angry because she didn’t know exactly what it was that had changed and caused her life to flip. She gripped the keys even tighter in her fist. And she took a step away from the window, glancing at the sliver of light that passed through and dimly lit up the room. She started for the door. Her bare feet padded lightly on the cold wooden floor. Again, she reached out another trembling hand and gripped the doorknob. Turned it, only to realize that she had forgotten to unlock it. She slowly pulled her hand away. She reached out and unlocked the door, the turned the knob again. This time it turned slowly, making a quiet screeching sound as she gently pushed it open.

A blast of cold air blew across her and made her shiver. She hadn’t thought about how cold it was, and had forgotten to grab her jacket. But it didn’t matter anyways. She would soon be in the car and would turn on the heat. She couldn’t wait to feel the warm air blowing on her from the vents in the car. She turned around and slipped into her flip flops and slowly headed towards the car. She took care not to trip on anything on her way. She took each step with caution, and she slowly reached the car. She reached down and grabbed the handle on the car door. She pulled out on the handle, and the door opened. She slid into the seat, and sat there for a moment, with cold air seeping inside from where the door was still open. She closed the door as quietly as she could.

For a moment, she felt trapped, enclosed inside the car. But she put the keys into the ignition, and the feeling of being trapped started to fade. She got the car started and revved up the engine. Then she drove off, and watched the driveway slowly disappear behind her. She came to the end, and turned onto the main road. Suddenly, a chill ran through her entire body. She remembered how cold she was, and twisted a knob that controlled the heat. A cool blast of air hit her and she started shaking a little. Slowly, the cool air became warmer. She drove a good ways down the road, and slowed the car to a stop when she reached a stop sign. She turned left.

She drove on not paying attention to anything, not even the road. She turned right onto a dirt road, which was quite hard to find in the dark because no one recently had cut down the weeds and grass that grew along each side. She drove until she reached the end. She had been down this road before, once or twice. She stopped the car and turned off the ignition. Then peeled herself away from the leather seat, which clung to her body as she climbed out of the car. She closed the door, then pushed the lock button on the key and listened for the familiar beeping and clicking sound. As soon as she was sure the car was locked she took a few steps away from it and looked around.

Everything was about the same as it was last time she had been here. The level of the creek had gone up since the last time and the trees that surrounded her hadn’t seemed to change much, except for the colors of the leaves on them. They were various shades of orange, yellow, green, and red. She started towards the creek. When she reached the edge of the bank, she stopped cold. She just stood there for a moment. She wasn’t thinking about anything. Just standing there taking in everything once again.

She slid off her flip flops and slowly lay them down on the bank. She waded ankle deep into the water, then slowly inched her way deeper. The water was freezing, but she didn’t even notice it. She just kept going deeper until the water came up to her knees. She felt the soft sand under her feet. Then she knelt down and was on her knees in the water. Her shorts and the bottom half of her t-shirt were soaked. She just sat there on her knees for what seemed like hours. Head bent, feeling helpless and humbled, and wondering what was going to happen next. She sat down in the water and it came up to the top of her stomach.

She was overwhelmed by all of the feelings that were coming to her all at once, as she sat there in the freezing water. Feelings of joy, sorrow, peace, hatred, happiness, anger, and love. Other feelings came out too, but they were feelings that only she had. Feelings that the inner part of her soul had created for only her to feel and experience. She finally realized what the feeling was that had gotten her where she was at that moment. It was the piece of the past that remained, trying to tell her that she needed to find herself. She crawled out of the water and started toward the bank. When she reached it, she lay on her back and gazed up.

She looked past the tops of all the trees that surrounded her. She glanced at the billions of stars that lit up the sky. She knew that each one had been put there and she also knew they were meant to be there. She wondered what it would be like to be one of them. She wanted to know what it felt like to be put somewhere for a reason. She didn’t exactly know what the reason for the stars was, but she knew there was one. She pondered what this feeling must be like. To have reason, to be needed, or wanted. And she wished someone needed or wanted her.

She thought it must feel pretty good. As she sat there staring at the stars thinking about this feeling, she closed her eyes. The sound of the flowing water lulled her to sleep. She dreamed of the stars. Dreamed of having reason, being wanted, feeling needed.

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