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The Future Man
What monkey with heart and soul are you
that knocks at my door with meaty hands?
Who sells gazes like the gazes you sell
to the street-sailors who pass – who see
you in white?
All Standards for future existence aside,
what muck does digest in thy withering gut?
Do you knock to take me with you
and show me time as time does go
or knock to wake my eyes and draw
a warmth upon my face, not there?
What message do you bring for me?
What line?
For all the questions I could ask
you offer only looks – two desperate eyes
alive in mounds of ruined, wrinkled meat.
No more, the idea of old time-soldier
on excursions through the suns of past.
No more the jester of city park dumpsters.
Only the shame awake on your palm
does speak to sing it’s shameful song.
You sing the song that beggars sing
of stomachs churning broth.
But I’m like you, I say
for looks, I too design.
And just like you, my eyes are worn.
And just like you I’m hungry.
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Very true, Paul. When I started writing this I had been reading Whitman and had just finished working on "Twelfth Night" (Mr. Shakey) so theres surely some influence in there. One line was originally "in that whithering gut" but I changed it to "thy withering gut" cos I was conciously going for that old timey thing. Perhaps a "that" could do good though. It better suits my city world. Plus "thy" is alone in there with all the modern-speak.
This is sort of a fictional meeting between me and a homeless guy in my city who dresses kinda like a bee-keeper. Me and some buddies affectionately call him FutureMan, claiming thats where he came from. In this scenario he arrives at my door (for some reason) and I see this hungry bastard like me who isn't from the future at all... (should I delete this explanation? does it kill the mystery?)(or enlighten?)
Anyways, thanks you three, and thanks Paul for your always good critiques. |
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Hi Johnny. Once again interesting musings from you but I felt like the first two stanzas was you trying to do faux-Shakespeare and it came across as contrived. In the final part you get to the point and it seemed like enigmaric piece that left me wanting more - a story about this "man". My favourite phrase here was: "No more the jester of city park dumpsters."
Yes, I understand the narrator is empathising with the monkey-man, but this is a cop-out to me, as though you reached a dead end after the initial idea. Maybe this is a fragment of something greater - a short story or a preamble to a novel of interwoven stories. I see in this a seed for something that might lead to a bigger creative breakthrough; a synopsis for a grander story. I don't know. But thanks for sharing, Johnny. Keep writing in your own inimitable style but also think about the wider picture.
Paul :D
PS: Also, shouldn't it be "The Future Man" rather than "The Futute Man"? |
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Comment by: AMorgan - 2007-11-22 03:50
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| I love the harsh imagery involving meat and sailors; the references to filthy things does wonders for this piece. The first stanza really ties it all in. I get a little lost in the middle, I'd suggest tightening it up as much as you can :) |
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| The first verse is brilliant. The first line especially, goaded me to read the entire thing, which is excellent. My only suggestion would be (maybe) altering line breaks in the fourth stanza to steady the rhythm. The end is fantastic. Overall amazing stuff. |
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