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Hollykinz
Holly Taylor
United Kingdom, Rushden, Northants

Words: 164
Access: Public
Comments: 6

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Taking you away from me

The connection unbreakable,
Wanting the break,
Needing the bond,
Longing for the attention,
Craving to be solitary,
Colours mixing in my mind,
Making the deepest shade of nothing,
Though it’s almost scarlet,
No not quite,
Not quite.

Choking on the air we breathe,
Living on your dreams,
The wind carrying my thoughts,
Feelings being blown away,
Like the leaves on the summer grass,
Dancing by us,
Can you hear the beat of my heart?
No not quite,
Not quite.

Your words like honey,
Tempting,
Taking them in,
Promises so brittle,
Leave the problems be,
Let them hide themselves away,
This mess will clear eventually,
Does it let in some light?
No not quite,
Not quite.

Yet taking you away from me,
Is like taking the stars,
From a summer night,
Leaving the moon lonesome,
For a stolen kiss in the dark,
She wants to forget the world,
But something keeps her here,
Maybe she isn’t strong enough,
No not quite.


Not quite.

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Comments  
RyanWHarris Comment by: RyanWHarris - 2008-07-08 01:21
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Very creative, your imagination is pure. You have a real understanding that paints perfect pictures, nice work. Keep it up!
Apollo Comment by: Apollo Online- 2008-05-19 02:25
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"Making the deepest shade of nothing,
Though it’s almost scarlet,
No not quite,
Not quite."

Incredible writing...

I liked the repetition on "not quiet" and each time it is in reference to something different. I also like how you wrote it "taking you away from me" kind of an inverted sentence structure which I like and it emphasizes that you had to go through something to get whoever "you" refers to away from you.

A lot of conflict is just below the surface here... I might try and use some stronger contrasting adjectives to bring that conflict out a little more. That is, as long as that is what you are going for with the poem.
BethShanFan Comment by: BethShanFan - 2008-04-30 20:08
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WOW. I LOVE this! It's so very lyrical and poetic! I also love what you do with the opposites in the first and second stanzas especially (wanting the break,needing the bond, etc). Fantastic job, simply fantastic!
Comment by: - 2008-01-14 14:19
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Hey Holly - I been a bit rubbish and not commented for a while so sorry about that!

I love the way you have managed to keep your simple story telling style and use it also within your poetry. I struggled whilst reading this to decide whether some of the romantic elements you used in this piece were really necessary however later deduced that actually this is a beautifully honest piece. I very much doubt that this has not been written in reflection on a personal experience or two. I like the third person tense and I also love that you do not fully reveal that the poem is being written about somebody else or a third party character until right at the end.

Simple and honest - you cannot argue with a poem like this. I hope to see more of your imagination however as I know how diverse it can be. take care Holly and shout me sometime :) xx
Vanessa Comment by: Vanessa - 2008-01-12 13:28
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Wow, very nice and of course emotional! This poem spoke to me. I like its subject matter. Lovely!
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