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Winter
Leaves fall down from trees in the park,
I watch them tumble with every breeze
One by one until the last tells us winter is coming.
Not a single person stops to see the wonder of nature
Rushing through life, footprints vanish quickly
They put a smile on my face
People still think they can beat time
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Hi Basil, appologies for only dropping by now. Winter being my favourite season, I just had to see your poem. I like it. I do however think you can tighten it slightly. Some words are, in my opinion, not really needed. Line 1 does not require the word "down" as this goes without saying and your paint that beautifully in line 2 with "tumble". I would consider re-writing line 3. I'm sure with the use of other words you could say exactly the same and with even more power. Perhaps also look at "stops" in line 4, I would use something like ponder... Same goes for "put" in line 6, I'm sure there is a better word one could use here.
All in all a lovely poem and I like the sentiment expressed. Again this is only my opinion so no need to use any of it. ;-)
Looking forward to seeing more. |
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| You have created a wonderful, vivid picture in this piece. There is also so much truth to your words. Very nice! |
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Comment by: - 2007-11-22 13:48
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'Leaves' not 'leafs'. Basil, but apart from that this shows that you are a very thoughtful young man with an eye for nature and Mankind's ways.
Thank you for a lovely read, basil
Greta |
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| Wow - very impressive and oh so true! Wonderful piece of poetry there! I love it! |
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