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RSK
Jeff Wittman
United States, Indiana, Lamar

Words: 212
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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Island's

I decided to write more on this.

A horn sounded in the distance. Night, was coming and Reed needed to back at the village. He scampered around a fern and darted left. Leaving his lungs behind him. Racing along a rock wall he could see the moon high overhead. Night was descending fast. With a quick snap he jumped over a fallen tree his grunts emitting his presence. The forest was mystic at day. Poison at night. He glanced behind him. Nothing. He moved along the rosin rock. Keeping his breath at bay. He had to get back. A bird flew over head, then disappearing above the tree tops. Moonlight now shone through the leaves. A pale white glow followed him. He ran faster. A whisper sounded in his ear.
“Reed, come back.” A woman’s voice.
“Nenda are you there?” He stopped. Breathing hard. The whispering stopped. It was homely, a warmth from it filled his heart. Below him was a small valley. Where his home awaited him.
“Hello?” He said. A whisper followed his words.
“Reed, come back.” He turned around, the forest facing him. Slowly, he walked into the abyss.
His heart pounded, his legs weak. The last moment approached him, he turned and screamed running.

It was Fern.

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Comments  
RSK Comment by: RSK - 2007-11-28 11:02
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Thanks, as far as the setences go I can understand where they can become confusing at times. I have a bad habbit for using commas in the wrong spots. But as I write I hope to cure that. Thanks for the feedback, I'll change the grammar, but I was a little worried about changing the story. I was trying something with this.

Again thanks.
mynamelez Comment by: mynamelez - 2007-11-27 20:53
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Sounds a promising story Jeff, with plenty of action and suspense (Quite an Island indeed).
The following are suggested corrections you may wish to consider.
Take or leave them as you wish.


Night, was coming – Night was coming
Reed needed to back at the village - Reed needed back at the village/Reed was needed back at the village.
Leaving his lungs behind him – a little confusing.
Racing along a rock wall he (,) could see the moon high overhead.
Jumped over a fallen tree (;) his
He moved along the rosin rock. (,) Keeping (keeping) his breath at bay
tree tops (treetops)
A whisper sounded in his ear “Reed, come back.” (It was) A woman’s voice
Below him was a small valley. Where his home awaited him. Below him was the small village where his home awaited his return
His heart pounded, (and) his legs (were) weak.
He turned and screamed running – he turned and ran away screaming.
1

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By RSK

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