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Wee story challenge #19 'ODD'
Odd, she walked along and no one seemed to look at her. She called to a friend she saw over the street but got no reply. Everyone was rushing towards some commotion just round the next corner. She could hear it but was too far away to see. Crossing the road and followed the crowd, she saw a woman lying on the ground, crushed and lifeless beneath a bus. She looked down, it was her!
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Comment by: karjon - 2007-11-27 05:14
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Hi Wendy
I'd agree with Stratus that this particulr plot is a little cliched, so I did guess the ending - but it's good that you've managed to squeeze that plot into so few words.
Some picky stuff:
I'd cut 'odd' - what you're describing is odd, so you don't need to tell us.
The last line - She looked down, it was her! - now, I know what you mean, but it is ambiguous - that 'her' could be someone else. I think you need something like 'She looked down at her own blood-smeared face' (not that - but something like that).
You'd have to lose a couple of words elsewhere to add some at the end, but that's not difficult e.g. She called across the street to a friend, but got no reply.' would save you two words, cut the 'just' from line three and you've saved another.
'Crossing the road and followed the crowd...' for consistency, that should be 'following'.
Okay - hope I've made sense. As always, these are just my thoughts to take or leave as you wish.
Thanks for taking the challenge.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Stratus - 2007-11-23 09:58
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That wasn't too bad, the writing smooth.
Maybe because I've read so many flashes like this, I anticipated the ending when the narrator stated people were rushing toward the corner.
Still, it was a very good effort for such a limited word count.
Thanks- |
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