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Autumn: Alien Challenge #5
Autumn wafts past my eyes
While the leaves drift to the earth.
I can taste the crisp air as
Autumn wafts past. My eyes
Become burnt by its windy sighs.
With the abundant gift of dearth,
Autumn wafts, past my eyes,
While the leaves drift to the earth.
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Sorry to contradict some of the others, but I like the contrast between 'abundant' and 'dearth'. I mean, autumn is about loss and paring-down, isn't it?
I also enjoyed, 'I can taste the crisp air' - that's lovely.
You are another one who has managed to make the repeated line vary each time - I take my hat off to you. |
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Comment by: alien - 2007-11-30 02:24
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That's very good. A nice way to use a triolet - a snip of time and a sensation. It's lovely :)
I don't know whether dearth could be seen as a gift, but I guess, it all depends on your perspective, which is why I'm not going to be too hard on it :D
Great poem! |
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Comment by: Kowalski Online- 2007-11-26 13:26
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| I love it and no crits because I couldn't even finish my triolet after a half hour of struggling. Nice one. |
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| I like everything about this poem except the word "dearth" at the end of line 6. I almost feel you used it to force a rhyme with "earth." Even though it doesn't rhyme, I feel the word "death" would be more appropriate. |
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...abundant gift of *death?
Nice exploration into different fall flavors, and I like the contrast between senses. Maybe a little more in the middle? It seems like you have room to explore your variations between the refrains. |
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