Odd Woman Out--Wee Challenge 19
My mother has blue-black hair and jet eyes. My father is all caramel skin and raven-wing brows. My sister's and brother's twin almond eyes and inky hair reflect our parents.
They're beautiful.
My marble face and dollar-green eyes enhance my silent temperament in the midst of this fiery clutch I call family. We love each other across a deep divide. We don't know which side of the family I take after. Strange, wouldn't you say?
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"raven-wing brows"
You just described just about his whole look in 3 words. Brava! Another nice peice. I am a fan. |
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Comment by: Nora Online- 2007-11-29 20:48
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Niccole, you are BACK, girlfriend, and it is good to see you. Thanks for the thoughtful crit.
Frees, you're a mystery, literary rumaki. An enigma wrapped in bacon and served with toast. But thank you. You're equally delish. |
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This sentence
"My sister's and brother's twin almond eyes and inky hair reflect our parents. " seems odd,as it seems to say that they are literally "reflecting" your parents. Perhaps something more along the lines of "reflect our parents' appearances" or make-up or looks--would make a difference. Or, being as I've been critiquing things for ages, I have simply gone crazy and overly nitpicky. All perfectly possible.
I agree that the last sentence (and the one before it) are a little off. I think the last sentence is a little too "meta" and obvious, and the next to last seemed a little too . . . hmm . . . overly stated. I mean, you've already mentioned that you don't quite fit plenty of times, so I think there are more interesting things to bring up.
Anyways, it's quite a cute little piece; I particularly loved the fiery clutch bit. It's a very interesting take on feeling alienated and yet not. |
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Comment by: frees340 Online- 2007-11-29 20:39
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Its amusingly delish! Good job! Odd never felt so good before!
The rhetorical was a little awkward, but for a wee story challenge, it fits ok. |
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Comment by: Nora Online- 2007-11-27 12:18
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Funny you should say that, Karen. The MC was talking to just you...
I totally see your point about that last line, and I bet you all three dollars I have in my purse that I won't think of a killer last line until after Christmas. Thank you, as always, for your feedback... |
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