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Eternity of the Sea
A/N: this is just something that came to my mind. I don't know if it's a middle of a 'yet to be written' story or if it's just a short story gone really wrong, but I'm still posting it here. ^_^
I figure if people can give some honest critiques on this, (because I know there are some really bad areas; I'm not going to say this is even close to perfect, if it ever even will be), maybe I'll see what the future holds for this little thing.
Enjoy?
*******
As Tarath Ashthor stood at the Oak tree by the cliff overlooking the sea, he felt the wind brush through his hair. He used to love that sensation at one point in time - but now he paid it no heed. Now that he had lost everything that had mattered to him, why notice small things like the wind, anyway?
His father, Rothain, had taken everything from him; from making his own decisions, to becoming his own person... to denying him the one true love of his life.
Tarath now closed his eyes, not really surprised at the solitary tear that rolled slowly down his cheek. He had never cried once in his 21 years, but the only happiness in his life had been wrenched painfully from him. Tears weren't something to be ashamed of now.
Turning away from the grave - her grave - was the hardest thing he ever did. Only separated from her for less than a week, he felt the loss so deeply. He wanted her back. He wanted to be with her again. He wanted everything they had been denied.
Everything.
"I knew I'd find you here." The voice washed over him, causing the young man to tense up. "Come away from here, son. It's time to put this... life... behind you and move on."
"Why, father? Why did you do this to me? To us? We were happy. We were in love..."
"Why? Because she was a disgrace to everything we stand for. Because she wasn't good enough. I allowed you some.. play time with her, Tarath, but when it went too far, I chose to stop it. Come along now. You've wasted far too much time as it is. There's a better destiny waiting for you."
Tarath's eyes closed again for a moment and then he opened them again. He looked at his father and gave a little smile. "You're correct, father. I have wasted time. There are things I should have taken care of by now, and I plan to do so starting right now."
Rothain smiled, but it never touched his eyes. No warm emotion ever had. "I knew I could count on you, Tarath. Let's return home now. There are many eligible ladies willing to marry you and give us a proper heir."
"I'm sure there are, father," Tarath's voice was nearly a whisper, "but I already had a wife. And you know something? You took more from me than just my wife, father."
Rothain just gave his son a cool gaze before impassively asking, "Oh? And what exactly was that, Tarath?"
"She was pregnant with our baby. Seven weeks along, father. You not only took my wife from me, but you took our baby."
There was silence for a moment and then Rothain replied quietly, "Well consider it a blessing, son. I just saved our family name from a terrible mistake. You should have known better than to let that happen."
Tarath's hands curled into fists and he met his fathers' eyes, "You...you don't even care?"
The elder Ashthor glanced down at the freshly filled grave and then sniffed, "It meant nothing. None of it meant a thing, Tarath. You'll thank me for this someday, mark my words. Now come on home. We have your future to plan properly for."
Rothain turned to walk off but stopped at Tarath's next words.
"My future is no concern of yours, Rothain. You're so concerned about the future of the Ashthor's, yet you lost me everything. Everything! Well, this is the day you lose everything."
Rothain turned in time to see Tarath holding up his Black Amulet out at him and he smiled, "Now now, Tarath. Do you think you can threaten me like this? You-"
"It's not a threat. I loathe you with all I am. I only wish that you would've been destroyed by the Man in the Dark Armor those many years ago. My only regret is that I actually looked up to you while I was growing up. Well, I pity you, do you know that? You're a worthless beast, not even fit to be alive."
The look in Tarath's eyes made Rothain step back a bit, but he still smirked, "You're just like me, Tarath. You're an Ashthor and your blood is strong. You have the calling of all our ancestors running through your veins. Nothing you do can stop that. Nothing."
"No? I believe I can stop it all. I can erase everything." Tarath glanced down at the grave of his wife and unborn child, wiped a tear away from his cheek and looked back at Rothain. "You're done, hear me? It ends now."
"And how do you expect to achieve that, Tarath? Hmm? I'd really like to know. You are not stronger than me; I've proved that time and again." Rothain smiled as he withdrew his own Death Amulet and waited.
Pompous grey eyes stared into saddened, angry and tormented grey eyes for quite some time, and then one voice broke the silence.
"Eviscerasium!"
Again, silence once filled the area as a moment in time passed by, and slowly, a bird cautiously let out a sorrowful chirp.
Tarath stepped over the lifeless body of his father and went to the grave. With a whispered spell, the dirt moved out of the grave and the casket opened.
Lying there as if only asleep, his wife appeared. Tarath used a spell to raise her body enough so that he could slip his arms under her. He took her in his arms and placed a kiss on her lips before walking over to their favorite place.
As Tarath knelt down, he looked out at the sea below them and murmured, "I love you so much.. you're my everything and I can't go on without you. My angel... He thought he took everything from us, but he didn't win."
A breeze picked up and ran through both their hair and Tarath watched as one of his tears fell on her lips. He kissed it away and then lovingly placed a hand on her lower belly. "I love both of you so deeply. Life would be so empty without you..."
He stood with his wife in his arms, looked out at the setting sun and whispered, "As you once said, my love, the sea and the sunsets are for eternity. So are we. We'll never be parted again. Ever."
With that, Tarath held his wife and their unborn child as close to himself as he could, and he stepped off the side of the cliff into the eternity of the sea.
*****
"They say Tarath brought her from her grave and then he leapt to his death from the cliff here, holding her tight," Talitha told Aeryck with tears in her eyes. "They loved each other so dearly, you know. I only hope they're together now."
"I'm sure they are, Talitha," Aeryck replied as he put his arms around her in comfort. "As you and I know, both of them believed in forever. We should get back now before the other Peacekeepers finish settling affairs at the Ashthor Manor. They'll have my head if I don't have you there to help out."
Talitha gave a little smile and replied softly, "I'll be there in a moment, Aeryck."
He walked off and Talitha picked some daffodils before walking to the edge of the cliff. She gazed out at the calm sea below her and murmured, "Rest in love and peace, Tarath and Gwynlen. I miss you both dearly. I hope you found what you were needing, my brother. I truly do."
As Talitha let the daffodils drop from her hand into the sea, she thought she heard the faintest sounds drift to her ears.
It really sounded like a young man and a young woman laughing happily - then it sounded like a young child echoing their laughter; so happy, so carefree.
Talitha looked back out toward the setting sun and let a sad but happy smile touch her lips. "Thank you," she whispered and went to join Aeryck back at her now empty family home .
-finis-
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I read this, and then Karjon's critique. One thing I'd like to add is that you might want to keep an especially sharp eye out for cliched or overused plot devices. The one that stuck out for me was the evil man in the black armor.
Mind you, I've got a lot of similar cleaning up to do in my own work. The impetus came from reading the submission guidelines at <a href=http://www.clarkesworldmagazine.com>ClarkesWorld Magazine</a>
Keep it coming though, I like what I've read so far. |
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Comment by: wizzer Online- 2007-12-28 12:14
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the story line is strong and you do the tense/emotive/challenge between father/son very well. i would like to see it as a longer story as it is a climatic scene
xxxgeo
to denying him the one true love of his life....a bit cliche. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-12-05 07:49
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Hi Sarra
Okay, big review and suggested edits coming up. Hope that’s okay – not everyone likes this, so if you don’t, tell me and I won’t do it again.
I should say straight off, I don’t read fantasy/ magical realism etc. so this review will be mainly on technical aspects as I have no frame of reference to tell whether this story works in this genre.
Brace yourself – here we go with the picky, picky, picky:
‘He used to love that sensation at one point in time’ – cut ‘at one point in time’
‘things like the wind, anyway?’ – cut ‘anyway’
‘ from making his own decisions, to becoming his own person... to denying him the one true love of his life.’ Change ellipsis to comma.
‘Tarath now closed his eyes, not really surprised at the solitary tear that rolled slowly down his cheek.’ – a bit clumsy. Maybe:
Tarath closed his eyes, unsurprised by the solitary tear etc.’
‘He had never cried once in his 21 years,’ – write out numbers.
‘Tears weren't something to be ashamed of now.’ – cut ‘now’. Go through the story and check how many times you’ve used the word ‘now’ or the word ‘just’ – you’ll find a lot of them, and the majority, if not all, are not earning their keep.
‘Turning away from the grave - her grave - was the hardest thing he ever did.’ – would be easier to say: ‘Turning away from her grave was the hardest thing he’d ever done.’
‘ Only separated from her for less than a week, he felt the loss so deeply.’ – maybe: ‘They had been separated for less than a week and he felt the loss deeply.’
‘Everything.’ – I’d cut that – it’s a wee bit melodramatic sitting out there on its own.
‘ you some.. play time with her,’ always three dots for ellipsis.
‘Tarath's eyes closed again for a moment and then he opened them again. ‘ – re-word to avoid repetition of ‘again’.
‘ "You're correct, father. I have wasted time.’ – they should stop addressing each other by name – you’ve established who is who and who is talking. Think about real life speech – as a general rule, people don’t refer to each other by name when they are talking.
‘Rothain just gave his son a cool gaze before impassively asking’ – I’d cut ‘impassively’ – the ‘cool gaze’ sets his emotion and points to tone.
‘Tarath's hands curled into fists and he met his fathers' eyes,’ – typo, should be ‘father’s’.
‘ The elder Ashthor glanced down at the freshly filled grave and then sniffed, - cut ‘then’.
‘ "It meant nothing. None of it meant a thing,’ – saying the same thing twice.
We have your future to plan properly for." – cut ‘for’ or change to ‘We have to plan for your future.’
‘ Ashthor's,’ – typo, should be ‘Ashthors’ plural.
‘ holding up his Black Amulet out at him’ – ‘holding out his Black Amulet’ would suffice.
‘ I loathe you with all I am.’ – hmm – not sure about that line. I know what you mean, but you could phrase it better.
‘ I only wish that you would've been destroyed by the Man in the Dark Armor those many years ago’ – maybe: ‘I only wish the Man in the Dark Armor had destroyed you years ago’ .
‘My only regret is that I actually looked up to you while I was growing up’ – but it’s not his only regret, is it? Maybe his biggest regret, but not only.
‘The look in Tarath's eyes made Rothain step back a bit, ‘ – cut ‘a bit’.
‘Pompous grey eyes stared into saddened, angry and tormented grey eyes for quite some time, ‘ – how long is ‘quite some time’? Either be specific, or cut the reference.
‘Again, silence once filled the area as a moment in time passed by, and slowly, a bird cautiously let out a sorrowful chirp.’ – this is a little clumsy – definitely needs re-worded, or possibly cut.
‘ With a whispered spell, the dirt moved out of the grave and the casket opened.’ – gimme some details. What was the spell? Did the dirt burst, fly, erupt?
‘Lying there as if only asleep, his wife appeared.’ – this sentence is the wrong way round, if you think about it.
‘ Tarath used a spell to raise her body enough so that he could slip his arms under her.’ – what spell? Where did he learn it? Is it a difficult/forbidden spell?
‘ He took her in his arms and placed a kiss on her lips before walking over to their favorite place.’ – where is their favourite place? Why is it their favourite place?
‘A breeze picked up and ran through both their hair’ – we’ve already had wind in hair at the start – maybe something different here?
‘With that, Tarath held his wife and their unborn child as close to himself as he could’ – cut ‘to himself’.
So the spell didn’t bring her back to life? Just lifted her out of the grave? Interesting – not what I expected.
*****
‘He walked off and Talitha picked some daffodils before walking to the edge of the cliff.’ – change either ‘walked’ or ‘walking’ to avoid repetition.
‘I hope you found what you were needing’ – ‘found what you needed’.
‘It really sounded like a young man and a young woman laughing happily - then it sounded like a young child echoing their laughter; so happy, so carefree.’ – maybe: It sounded like a young man and woman laughing happily, and a child echoing their laughter - so happy and carefree.’
That’s it for the excessively picky edit, Sarra.
I think you have part of a larger story here. You have plenty of scope to create this world for your readers. Where is this place? When? Who are the Ashthors? What are the Peacekeepers? Who is the Man in the Dark Armour, and what did he do?
There are many possibilities here – I hope you do expand on this tale.
I hope this has been of some use and you don’t feel to ravaged – remember, these are only my suggestions, you should use what you agree with, ignore the rest.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-12-04 16:22
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| Sarra - I just spent thirty minutes writing a review that got timed out - weeps bitterly - so I'll be back. |
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Hello,
This is an emotionally wrenching piece, a point of crisis. What intrigues me about it is what it doesn't include: how did these characters get to where they are? In response to your implied question, "I don't know if it's a middle of a 'yet to be written' story or if it's just a short story gone really wrong," I would have to cast my vote on the side of the former. The questions that are not answered (and that must be answered so that we know the characters well enough to care about their crises because we see them as living characters) seem large enough to require at least a novella. I can't see a short story doing justice to a narrative situation as complex as this feels. The point of crisis feels acute enough, energetic enough, to fuel a long and gripping storyline if you so decide.
Cheers,
JDR |
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