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Taste
There's a bad taste
in my mouth
the taste that you left.
I fight back tears
and spit you out -
goodbye, pretty baby, goodbye.
Just a little bit
worse for the wear
making mountains out of mountains
my back is breaking,
a heavy heart is hard to hold
and I didn't anticipate
this obnoxious pit in my stomach.
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Comment by: - 2007-11-25 17:05
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That's very short and vary 'piecey' to me. Very choppy. You have no real form or structure for this. And the flow is very off, too. It's just so simple, too simple even. It;s hard to get a grip on what your saying. I mean I know what your saying, what the meaning of this is 'n whatnot. But I don't quite understand what your talking about. I mean, "goodbye, baby, goodbye"?? "making mountains out of mountains"?? What are you talking about?
Also, "my back is breaking, a heavy heart is hard to hold". You should not need to explain the heavy heart part like that. It's very armature. This whole 'poem' is armature and it shows I'm afraid... Sorry. |
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