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A Forest of Cigarette-butts
A forest of cigarette-butts flourishes
in your big Ford ashtray...
It's imperfections that design
those perfect shades of Match.
Of imperfections, I am rife -
such flaws I do dispatch!
...I dance to your car with lighter in hand
and work to help your forest grow.
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Heh, I like how everyone needs to bring up their opinions on smoking in their comments. Mine shall remain mysterious . . . (bwah ha ha)
"A forest of cigarette-butts flourishes"--hmmm, feel like the verb doesn't quite match the noun. Thrives? I think it's the rhythm more than the word that bothers me, now that I think about it. Yes, the three syllables are off-putting.
in your big Ford ashtray... (just a comma removal)
Imperfections design (little bit of clean-up)
"those perfect shades of Match."---keep reading this as "March"--what about "Harmony" "Complement" "Appeal"?--eh, it's probably just me.
With imperfections, I am rife - (you're "rife with" things)
such flaws I do dispatch! --the double meaning makes it sound like you're killing/getting rid of the flaws. Perhaps "Transmit"?
...I dance to your car with lighter in hand
and help your forest grow. (slight clean-up)
Keep in mind, all my edits are toward my love of crisp, bare-boned poetry, so it's toward my style. I realize you are using a different one here deliberately, so take my comments with a handful of salt.
I do quite like the idea, though the language structure's not really to my taste. I loved the ellipses. Have you thought about making the middle in italics or parentheses? Just an idea. |
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| I hate smoking, but I like this poem |
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This paean to ugliness and love is what the world is all about, Johnny. One of my family died of cancer at the age of 52, but my dad never lit a fucking cigarette. My mother she's still on 20-a-day, alive and kicking. The lost comrades die for beauty and for ugliness. Let's celebrate both and stop being so fucking pious about our habits. It's a lottery after all. Let us just celebrate the fact that we're here in the first place and stop worshipping the fake religion of longevity.
Paul :D |
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Yeah, I suppose some people might not find cigarettes and love all that enchanting. And for the world's health, I guess that's a good thing. But the "pretty" ugliness is kinda what this is all about. Being in love with a person's flaws.
I'm sorry bout your lost comrades. |
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Comment by: - 2007-11-24 15:18
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| Not exactly what I wanted to hear from this... Although, a lot of my family has died from cancer caused by smoking... |
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