Her First Time: Alien Challenge #5 - Triolet
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Her First Time: Alien Challenge #5 - Triolet
Steps stiffen to music staccato,
She sashays sexy side to side.
Eyes widen as lace hits the lino;
Steps! Stiffen to music staccato.
Coaxing wolf whistles pierce, echo;
Eating her last remnants of pride.
Steps stiffen. To music staccato!
She sashays sexy, side to side.
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| Sorry, but I'm not sure I can offer any criticisms. I don't think it would be easy to write a Triolet better than this one. The alliteration is perfect in combination with the staccato of her dance. You've put together a dynamic scene with characterization and a transition (line 6) despite the difficulties of the form. I like that the repeated line works differently to reinforces the transition. |
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I really enjoyed this, Sharon. It took me a couple of reads to realise she's performing in some kind of sexy dance show, though. Don't know how I didn't spot 'Eating her last remnants of pride' sooner...
I love the rhythm of:
'Steps stiffen to music staccato
She sashays sexy side to side.' I can hear the music in the rhythm of the lines.
Great stuff. |
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| I like how the tight control on the syllable count reinforces a very controlled dance while the imagery (sashays sexy, eyes widen, wolf, eating) brings to mind something wilder. |
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| i think you have an interesting poem for the triolet, you have well used the lines and different punctuations for line one, four and seven...nice one... |
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Comment by: alien - 2007-11-30 02:30
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I will start with the less positive thing: I don't like exclamation marks in poetry, but that's just personal taste.
Right. Now that's out of the way, I think your poetry is improving! I like the alliteration which makes the music and the rhythm of the piece shine out.
Good subject matter and very subtle. I enjoyed the piece very much. |
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