[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
This makes me want to hug myself just to hold my heart inside...
Beautiful. |
 |
Comment by: Apollo - 2007-12-10 20:38
|
|
| Isn't it amazing how effected our brains are by the emotions that other people cause us? I mean sometimes its somebody you don't even know who manages to make a comment you hear in passing and next thing you know its eating at the back of your mind. Misinterpretation of signals from the opposite sex can leave a hole in the soul and abrasive direct attacks will bring rage whether we like it or not... its crazy. I really like your beginning "does it always seem I can't get enough of what I need I'm bruising ribs and gaining little to no sympathy" I'm a big fan of rhyme too so... I have to say well done... |
|
|
I agreed this poem reads better in stanzas, gives the words some depth instead of just all bunched together...
Glen Yumang Manese |
 |
Comment by: history - 2007-12-07 11:13
|
|
| thanks Colin, I really appreciate that :) I think I agree with what you're saying about putting it into stanza's. I like the way it reads, good thinking Batman! |
|
|
I'm liking this Lana- your language isn't dressed up in meaningless epithets or images. Yopu're managed to strip everthing down here to the core of the subject, without losing any eloquence. It almost reads like a confessional. I noted you're listened to MSP, and part of this did remind me of Richie James' lyrics. My only suggestion would be to divide the poem up into stanzas, as it does seem the progression of the poem follows a natural structure, i.e.
does it always seem
I can't get enough of what I need
I'm bruising ribs and gaining
little to no sympathy
a fear of rejection
disables any rational thought
especially when it's been proved
that you are just not worth all that much
Non-Existance is hard to come to terms with
all you want to do is breathe
without a fist around your chest
all you want to do is lie down
without a need for something to hold
it's a fine line between needs and wants
and it is one that I continue to tread blindly |
| 1 2 Next |
