Ill-met by Moonlight- triolet challenge 5
Her face, a white slash on a half-moon street
Where darkness tunnelled, hollow and oblique,
And his heart jumped, like bedbugs to a sheet.
Her face - a white slash on a half-moon street
Where, mad with hope, he raced on longing feet,
Past urine, condoms, rusty cans to see
Her face: a white slash on a half-moon street
Where darkness tunnelled, hollow and oblique.
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Comment by: sudipal - 2007-12-01 16:35
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| I love the first repeating line- very beautifully conjured image. I read this over multiple times to get the feel of it and I enjoyed it each time. I'm not sure, though, if the sixth line fits in so well with the others, but let me think about it some more. |
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| Ooh, well spotted on that comma, George - thank you! Off to put it in. |
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I think it should be:
'Where, mad with hope, he raced on longing feet,'
a small change to get it grammatically right, but that's the only thing I could see that needed attention.
Great images and sound construction, Rosie. Fab title and content. All in 65 words. Well done - GeorgeF. |
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Great imagery. I love the spooky feel of this, and the tension brought in by the repetition.
I especially liked: 'Her face - a white slash on a half-moon street/Where, mad with hope he raced on longing feet,/Past urine, condoms, rusty cans to see/Her face..'
-longing feet - genius!
Fabulous job - you took the challenge and ran with it! :) |
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Comment by: alien - 2007-11-30 02:35
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I agree with Grae - the varying use of the metre gives it a more interesting feel. You've handled that well. Using straight iambs can give a stilted feel so you're right to vary it :)
Your imagery and details are all very in-keeping with the theme and a good atmosphere is created.
I can't see anything I'd change - it's a great poem. It leaves room for the reader to read it, as well, which is always good :) |
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