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Moved to Atlantis
Like November, I am waiting
I am the hushed silence at night.
The clouds are churning angrily
with tiny flecks of winter snow
waiting for their turn to dive.
Like snowflakes, I am incomplete
I’m drifting through the mist.
An empty, jagged piece of ice
forever searching for its pair.
In need of repair
I find myself standing
shivering and pale
while the river is waving
and it looks just like home.
So like snowflakes, I am angry
I’m preparing to dive.
The ice hits me and I’m
really living.
My veins pumping frantically,
they’re fighting off the cutting chill
fighting off the sight of you
standing at the surface.
I try to offer you a smile
that blurs into a rainbow trout
and gyrates to the bottom
to a sea-bed filled with
colours I could never find
on land.
I hold my breath
because mermaids don’t have lungs
following the flashy tail
of a fish that I just met.
We start a sea-weed band
strumming melodious waves
that you can’t hear
with those land-boy ears.
The piano starts floating
and I am weighed down
from the days when I had legs.
You know that if you reached
your hand into the water, I’d grasp it
but the surface is still
and you’re eating pizza
at a dirty table in the corner.
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Comment by: Sophia - 2008-02-29 01:15
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I liked the first line a lot, I think the idea of November waiting is quite clear and strong. I have to agree that the first stanza is pretty much perfect. I did notice this:
'forever searching for its pair.
In need of repair'
The rhyme of pair and repair somehow stilts the rhythm a bit for me, but it's just a personal opnion. Otherwise a really lovely piece. |
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| Why, winter snow of course! Though I do agree that it doesn't seem linked. It's a few ideas put together, but I have a few ideas for how to mend it. Thanks, all! :) |
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Comment by: Stefan - 2007-12-04 17:46
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| What is November waiting for anyhow? |
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I think the first stanza of this poem is achingly beautiful, as they say, but the rest seems to stray outside of the meter and tone which you start with. I agree this poem exudes creativity, but I think a little structure and revision would help its clarity significantly.
The snowflake conceit is clever, and beautiful, but I have trouble following it into the last two stanzas (although I absolutely love "I try to offer you a smile / that blurs into a rainbow trout / and gyrates to the bottom..."). Some really tasty images here I like a lot. |
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| Wow, now that was a surprise ending, I didn't see it coming at all. You definitely get points for creativity. I would probably never write anything like this, because I'd be too afraid of writing something silly. But it's good to just write whatever fantastical things come to mind, I should do it as an exercise or something. |
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