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briana
briana hill
United States, wa, chehalis

Words: 196
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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What's It For If Not The Attention

Where her thoughts should have been, a brillant fortress appeared
an empire built from a lack of endearing words, it wasn't death the girl feared
with pale brown eyes and sweaty palms, she brushed the hair from her face
in every step that they took, it lead them to a better place

The field grew hope and foolish dreams, within locked gates and shallow streams
they fell in lust but never love, afraid and off-course, they lost all passion
you've got a confession that Ive been avoiding,
its those over dramatic words I try not to mention

Your in awe of how goodbye comes so gracefully from her lips
as if it were skipped, like we knew you wouldn't be missed
now you've entered the battle field, innocent and unarmed
with the worst intentions they took all you had
I'm sorry this didn't turn out how we planned

When we were so young and nothing really mattered
did you believe in taking chances even after all the stars had burnt out
were older now, but not much wiser
we've grown up to be nothing more then hypocrites and lairs

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Comments  
Drozman17 Comment by: Drozman17 - 2007-11-27 19:21
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I can tell there's something in this piece that I like but it's hard to put my finger on it. Some of the thoughts in here seem to be scattered. I would have to agree with the first post, maybe cutting out some excess language and really focusing on the structure would help get the idea across easier.
tristanmmang Comment by: tristanmmang - 2007-11-27 17:02
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You have some really nice sounding lines, and the rhyming comes off smoothly--not forced, but I would like to see more editing. Maybe cut down some extra language or try to boil down your thoughts into more finite bits... You might consider structuring your poem around shorter stanzas or shifts/transitions to help it flow (form and content wise). I think if you, patiently, broke this down and worked on it in parts you could build it up with much stronger resonance... Maybe cut out some of the pronouns or prepositions that sound a little wordy, or that interrupt the cadence which most of your images seem to invite. I like.
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