Sound economic advice
by Turnin A. Buck

People have said of me, as a nasty put-down, that I would sell my own mother.

I strongly object to the uncalled-for revilement — which usually comes from bleeding-heart liberals with no fiscal acumen.

Let's be realistic: she is, after all, MY mother.

No doubt mothers are essential for one's first years. They give birth, They succor. They feed and clothe. They medicate, teach speech and help us start to walk. They comfort. Beyond that, of course, they are offer camouflage and a shield against random gunfire.

Fathers on the other hand are pretty much disposable after impregnating mom, unless 1) there are physical dangers (rare in present USA), or 2) they are making a lot of money. This means that selling your father early can pay extremely well; especially if they are young and promising. This money, invested early, can be a good foundation for future financial growth and building a sound economy.

Mothers remain directly useful for a number of years. They may work, keep the house straight, provide transportation and sport, and cook. She may provide funds for higher education. In fact, it is a good idea to have a mother on hand until one gets married. A mother will help persuade her own replacement that we are “a good boy” and lavish a good wedding gift upon us.

This is the point at which it is best to sell Mother. Let's face it; she's getting older. Trade-in value decreases daily from this day onward. You don't want to be stuck with an old woman who will cost you for upkeep and might actually smell bad. At the end mother can be quite an expense.

Just after you are married you have a young, vital woman to take care of all of mom's functions, and mother is pretty much used up and showing signs of age. These signs can be masked with makeup, hair styling, a new set of clothes, a fake tooth, and contacts. We call this “detailing”. Medicine, which originally was a good deal, replacing as it does some of the food mother consumes, becomes more and more expensive. You don't want to be stuck with her when she reaches the age when she eats nothing but pills, not even if you live in Mexico or Canada.

At 40 she is apparently productive, attractive to some old geezers, and may yet fulfill some of her talents, the fulfillment of which she postponed to invest in you. Mother's economic sense is a bit muzzy, granted.

I recommend selling her for high-interest over time. Even though the purchaser may bitch that she isn't fulfilling the warranty — which I hope you wrote with the loophole excluding “acts of nature” (aging) — the extra money will adequately compensate for the bother of ignoring those protests.

I hope this little dissertation helps you make wise financial decisions in the future.

Now let's talk about the National Forests ...

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