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In Your Heart
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
So I wonder
Yonder
Never wander if your love dithers
And shrivels like a dying anaconda
Forever in your heart
lest I’m thither.
Always distant never here sir
In your brain forever living
And breathing
And talking
Picture perfect
Never fading
To a memory so foreboding.
Different people
Different places
Matching like a pair of aces
Memories of long ago
Fresh as the falling snow
Forever in your heart
As your heart beat grows stronger
Still I wander
Lost in ice cold helter skelter
Your picture perfect face I see
Waiting back at home for me.
This way
That way
Lost in thunder
Victim to another blunder
Alone, Afraid
All by myself
My life as if upon a shelf
Clutter, Clatter
Bang I’m fatter.
Life goes fast but does it matter?
Back again you greet me happy.
The evening’s talk is rather sappy.
Go change her dirty nappy.
Forever here with you.
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| i like the last part. i think that if a poem doesn't make sense to someone, its most likely because they've never felt what you were feeling when you wrote it. the 'anaconda' part does kinda take away from the flow for me. i don't know why. just did. i rhyme quite a bit. i like it. |
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| So many people seem to be aganosing with this, looking for the meaning, the depth, the technique. Why? This is as natural as they come. It's a great recital, beautiful flow with lots of drama...and extremely authentic, as if it just shot out of you with an agenda of it's own; just had to escape to life sooner or later. Thank God it did. |
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Comment by: mcwando - 2007-12-09 12:17
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| this needs some polishing but it has the potentials! |
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Oookay . . . so, in poetry, the only way that a rhyme works is if it is completely natural in tone, as if you were simply speaking and it came out accidentally. When you are forced to make pointless, ridiculous phrases simply for the sake of the rhyme, that it doesn't work.
These lines
"My life as if upon a shelf
Clutter, Clatter
Bang I’m fatter."
were particularly nonsensical. Whenever I've written rhyming poems, (well, lately, as I've matured-ish ^_^) I've come to accept that sometimes you have to completely re-work a line or rhyme to make things flow better. You should never force things to fit.
This line "Always distant never here sir" doesn't make sense at all.
There is a nice rhythm here
"Different people
Different places
Matching like a pair of aces"
but it's another forced rhyme.
I agree with above, that there's not much of a point to this poem. There are brief glimpses into the emotions which you want to convey, but the traces are lost amidst all the clutter of the random chatter. |
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Comment by: Louise - 2007-11-28 13:24
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Hmm... I'm kind of confused as to what exactly you're trying to say with this poem and I think part of this problem may be because you're trying to fit things around certain rhymes so you compromise what you want to say (ie. the anaconda line - it kinda lost me.) Also the continuous change in rhythm makes it kinda hard to follow.
However despite that you have some great stuff here - "different people/different places/ matching like a pair of aces" - very nice rhyme and rhythm, mebbe if you stick in a "Yet matching like..." that might explain more. Also I like some of the humour in your work "My life as if upon a shelf/clutter, clatter/Bang Im fatter."
Possibly if you have a look at this poem and really make it as simple as you can and then do the intricate stuff afterwards instead of the other way round, your message will become clear. With a bit of dicipline this could be quite a corker ;) |
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