What Heller Didn’t Tell Us
(My first bit of fan fiction)

Major Danby, Major Major, and the Chaplain were standing in a somber, morose line over Yossarian. He tried very hard to get to Sweden, but he was found starved to death upon his raft by Milo, who was on a run to get candy canes from Spain. Apparently, his raft didn’t come with a fishing line. He was still clutching the blue oar, which couldn’t be wrenched from his grasp.
“We lay a great man to rest today,” the Chaplain began. “Ex-Captain John Yossarian, who went AWOL before his death.”
Major Danby cleared his throat to get the Chaplain’s attention. “Chaplain, we have intelligence that Yossarian’s name was actually Aram.”
“Really? I didn’t know.”
“Yes, and we believe that your name just may be Robert Oliver Shipman.”
“But my name is Albert Taylor Tappman.”
“Not according to our British intelligence unit.”
“I think I know my own name, Major,” the Chaplain said, eager to get back to his eulogy. “Yossarian is a name we will all remember in our hearts. The man who befriended so many, and lost so many. Now, we’ve lost him.”
The Chaplain reached in his pocket and pulled out a singular book and a pack of cigarettes. He approached the coffin, lifted the lid, and mumbled, “Yossarian. You never wanted these while you were alive… I thought you may have wanted them now.”
He placed the book and the cigarettes in the coffin and closed the lid. With his hand still on the coffin, he declared, “I think Yossarian would have been pleased to know that he will be buried between Clevinger and Doc Daneeka.”
Doc Daneeka cleared his throat to see if, just once, people would acknowledge him, but nobody did. He didn’t bother to mention that Clevinger was still missing in action because he didn’t care about Clevinger.
Everybody took turns kneeling before Yossarian’s casket. Colonel Korn and Colonel Cathcart both tapped on the casket and said, “Sorry, buddy.” Captains Pilchard and Wren were convinced that painting his gums would bring him back, but nobody would allow them into the casket. Yossarian’s roomies were too drunk to kneel at the time, so they simply walked on by. Captain Black took to kicking the casket until the Chaplain pulled him away. General Peckem and General Scheisskopf bowed respectably. Ex-Sergeant Wintergreen left a stolen zippo. Milo left an egg. Major ---- de Coverly was last in line because nobody had the courage to stand behind him.
“And now,” said Major Major, “our bugle player will play taps.”
Corporal Specter played the bugle. He was incredibly tired because General Scheisskopf made him stay up all night marching. The General intended to have a parade for Yossarian, but Ex-Sergeant Wintergreen wouldn’t allow it since he was too busy to view a parade, even if it was for Yossarian.
Corporal Specter was so tired, he accidentally played reveille instead of taps. And everyone knows that reveille is used to wake soldiers up, not put them to rest.
So suddenly, there was a banging from inside Yossarian’s casket.
And Yossarian burst out. Doc Daneeka fainted, but nobody noticed. The Chaplain began praising God.
“I have to get to Sweden!” he yelled.
He jumped from the casket and narrowly missed Nately’s Whore’s knife as it plunged downward. He ran almost to the ocean until he was tackled by Major Major, who was looking to settle a score.
Colonel Cathcart wasn’t very pleased. “Blackie, we almost killed the bastard, and now he’s alive again. What do we do?”
Colonel Korn was complacent. “Yossarian is our friend now. We have to send him home as promised.”
“Who’s this Yossarian character, anyway? He seems like quite the black eye.”
“Now that you mention it, I don’t remember him either.”
And so it was, as the Chaplain explained, that when Yossarian died, he was stricken completely from the record. Now he was as dead as Doc Daneeka.
“Chaplain! I’m free.”
“It’s a miracle.”
“Don’t give me any of that, Chaplain! I beat the system! I get to go home! I’m going to go to Manhattan and get an apartment. And I’ll get married. Maybe I’ll look up that girl Marian.”
And Yossarian took off, leaving the Chaplain alone again.

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