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JacquieB
JacquieB Barry
United States, MI

Words: 78
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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Love Causing Death

You are my reason for living,
I gave you my heart,
mind and soul
It was not enough,
now I must give you my freedom
What will you want next?
My life?
I love you
Take my life,
for it's no longer mine to control
You have my life,
now sit back and watch me die
I gave you all I had to give,
then you killed it,
you drained the life from me
Goodbye my love

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Comments  
pcjunkie181 Comment by: pcjunkie181 - 2007-11-29 19:38
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Short but very complete and has a very giving tone. Very interesting and good write.
OilsandSyntax Comment by: OilsandSyntax - 2007-11-29 10:47
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Is this a suicide?...or a slow gradual process taking place?

I like the idea of a suicide for this peice...I think you could fill this poem out with more concrete imagery between the abstractions and emotions. What did she use? Was it a gun? How did the metal feel in her hands? Bring us into the scene with her. Let us into her environment, her life. We get a clear sense of her emotions with this, but nothing else. I want to be able to see her in her anguish...I want to watch it play out before me. I think that would make this a riviting and compelling piece.

Just my novice two cents though.
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By JacquieB

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