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The sign
Darius was on his way to see his therapist when he passed by a parking garage. Outside was a sign that read, "Everyone must see the parking attendant before exiting."
Darius read the sign twice before entering the garage. Twelve people stood in line, so Darius took his place behind them. The line moved slowly, so that after twenty minutes he stood before the parking attendant.
"Next," she said without looking up. She had pink hair with black roots, two studded piercings at her left eyebrow, and black lipstick. Her thin frame swam inside an oversized sweatshirt and baggy jeans.
When she realized Darius hadn't moved, she looked up, allowing him to look past the charcoal eyeshadow to her emerald green eyes. It took another moment before he noticed they were tinted contacts.
"Well?" she asked in a voice that sounded like a rusty gate. "Where's your ticket?"
Darius scanned her face once more, then turned and walked away. Before leaving the building, he turned to the man at the end of the line and said, "She's not worth the wait."
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| Odd - I kept wondering what was going to happen if he had a ticket to give her. Was she going to use it on her own car? I guess I'm slow on the uptake. Nice, short, clever ending. Janet |
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Kinda reminds me of one of those "A man goes to the doctor's office..." jokes, but cleaner. I agree that the payoff was telegraphed a bit, but that's easily fixed.
I don't know about Balzac or the French guy. But Gilbert Gottfried kills with this kind of material. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-12-01 17:20
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Hi Joel
Aye, for a first attempt at flash, it's very, very good.
I'll confess to seeing the ending coming - it was telegraphed by:
Darius was on his way to see his therapist when he passed by a parking garage. Outside was a sign that read, "Everyone must see the parking attendant before exiting."
'when he passed by' - lets me know he wasn't going into the garage, wasn't parking there, so I know he's going in just to obey a sign, to see the attendant who must be seen.
If you'd said:
Darius was on his way to see his therapist when he saw the sign outside the parking garage: "Everyone must see the parking attendant before exiting."
Then I might have thought he was driving in there to park etc., so the punchline would have carried more weight.
However - no one else has had a problem with this, maybe you weren't going for 'the twist', so just ignore me (it's frequently the best option).
'so Darius took his place behind them. The line moved slowly, so that after twenty minutes he stood before the parking attendant.'
The double 'so' tripped me - when you write micro-fiction (sorry - I define micro and flash differently, to me, this is micro) be very careful of repetitions - they work if they are for effect, otherwise, they stand out.
Okay, picky-whiney-old-bag stuff out of the way...
Really liked the set-up, the descriptions and the pay-off. Good stuff - well done.
Cheers
Karen |
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Well done!
Could do with a little bit more building of the suspense before the punchline. Maybe a bit more description of the attendant, or even the queue, to build up the anticipation of some great revelation (the way they do at freak shows or Ripley's "believe it or not" things).
To get a better understanding of how, I suggest reading some of De Maupassant's or Balzac's "Droll Stories" - preferably in the French, but the English translations work almost as well.
Once, more, well done - thank you for the chuckle! |
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Thanks for pointing out the past  thing; lesson learned: NEVER use the formatting suite on here. It throws in all sorts of screwy HTML codes and other glitches. I just edited and got rid of it; see if it reads better now :)
And thanks for the comments! |
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