writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
Meenyee
Meen Yee
United Kingdom

Words: 623
Access: Public
Comments: 4

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  




On the 1st day of xmas...

On the 1st of December the weather got nasty, freezing gusts of wind blew over England from the north and there was even a light frosting of snow (amazingly). People were awed by this strange phenomenon and wondered what the hell was going on, but all they really cared about was whether there would be enough snow so that they wouldn't have to go to work or school the next day.

In a cul-de-sac, somewhere on the outskirts of London, there lived a girl called Marcia, who was 18 years old and she had just broken up with her boyfriend, Jim. She found that their relationship had been going no-where, and that she was actually bored of poor Jim so she broke it off with him a week ago before the beginning of December.

"Oh woh is me," she complained to her younger sister June, who is only 16, "For I have no bf."

"What the hell are you talking about? Bf?" June asked her with a puzzled look. Marcia was a typical drama queen so June was used to her talking funny.

"A boy friend of course. What did you think I meant, a "best friend"? Marcia replied snappily. June just stared at her as if she were a bit mad, which she probably is.

"Well duh, you just broke up with your recent one Jim, of course you don't have a boyfriend. Stupid girl." June muttered the last bit under her breath.

"Oh, but now I am in need of one, so I shall go and find one, right now. Maybe that cute boy who works in Sainsbury's, or the one at the library, or maybe the one..." Marcia was cut off by the sound of their door bell ringing. "Ooh, maybe it's for me." Marcia exclaimed loudly, so that the whole world heard her, and ran for the door. June followed her wishing she had gone out that night to the rave at her friend's house; Pike.

"Ooh," Marcia squealed as she opened the door. On the floor, right outside the door, was a big box, about 3 or 4 inches high and a little gift tag was attached to it.
"To Marcia, from question mark" Marcia read out. "It is for me." She was practically beaming at the box.

"Were you doing a secret santa thing?" June asked looking at the box with curiosity and a hint of jealousy, as she had never been given a gift as big as the gift that was surely in that box.

"No." Marcia said. "But someone obviously loves me enough to send me a gift." June rolled her eyes. Marcia thought the world revolved around her and her only. "Maybe it's from a guy, or from my bestest best friend in the entire world Kim, or from Heidi or from..." Marcia kept going.

"Just open the damn box!" June yelled interrupting her. Marcia stared back at June with big, owlish eyes.

"Ok, no need to scream." Marcia said. She reached down and pulled the lid off the box. Then she reached inside and pulled out a small tree, with a dead partridge lying in the compost. She quickly dropped the tree, put the back of her right hand to her forehand and promptly fainted. June looked into the box and pulled out a card.

"On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a dead bird in a pear tree." June looked at Marcia. "Wow you really pissed off Jim."

Want to comment on this Short Stories?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Short Stories and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up






[Back to top]
Comments  
Meenyee Comment by: Meenyee - 2007-12-02 15:37
Add to Readers
      
Thanks for that, yeah actually i was thinking about extending it. I was thinking that i can do one for each of the 12 days in the song so yeah i've written the next bit, will upload it in a minute, hopefully you like it.
JenaGalifany Comment by: JenaGalifany - 2007-12-02 06:54
Add to Readers
      
Oh, that is RICH! I'd love to see a continuation of this story. Of course it'd have to be a murder by the time it was completed. LOL! You could really run with this one. That last line is the kicker!

The story could use some editing help but it is a great beginning piece.

Thanks for sharing.
Meenyee Comment by: Meenyee - 2007-12-02 06:49
Add to Readers
      
Thanks for your comment, yeah i kind of wrote this as a spur of the moment kind of thing so sorry for the repetition!! Ok will change bits of it, but i'm really glad you liked it, was kinda going for the humour more than anything else lol
wizzer Comment by: wizzer Online- 2007-12-01 18:39
Add to Readers
      
this is so cute/sweet /first love etc, yes i was entertained nicely!it almost had a harry potteresk feel with the view of england at the start(would love a touch of frost here!)
thankyou for it! well done
xxx geordie
quibbles
you have already done really well with the dialogue. perhaps sometimes you don't need to say "asked" "said" etc but for example "marcia grinned as she ran for the door" this helps get rid of 'dead' words that lessen impact/ helps to tighten the work!
1st and 2nd paras. no need to mention UK london england too many times ?cut somewhere in britain
last para ?dead bird already mentioned.. change the second one to partridge
1

Sponsored Ads


By Meenyee

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S